It has come to the point that I feel that nobody really gives a damn about me. Even if they said they do or did, the fact remains that I still feel that they do not REALLY give a damn about me. It just feels that everyday, I am going around trying to make them happy even though more than not, sometimes it causes the opposite reaction when I never had it intended to begin with.
The word "understanding" or "patience" or basically anything along those lines really irks me out now. It feels like the more I adhere to those words the more I am getting trampled on. It really makes me feel like being kind really is a sign of weakness. After all, it's really all the stupid dicks in the world who have been getting things done their way. Life for me has always been one that is reactionary. Most of the time, I am just waiting for things to happen. Then there are other times that I don't even know what has happened.
It really seems like the nicer your try to be to someone the more they try to take advantage of the situation. I guess no one will ever understand that even though I do not show it sometimes or most of time, I do give a damn about you. Make it two, maybe three or more. Bottom line is, I do. Sadly, that sometimes isn't enough for some people especially for those in their selfish pursuits. Well, some might disagree that it is selfish because that can be very subjective as well. At the end of the day, only the highest order can judge us...he did create us all to begin with. Who am I to judge after all right?
Speaking of which, everyone has a past they would want to cover up. That everyone includes me. The reason why they feel that way is because they do not like to feel judge. Hell, who likes to feel that way even if they do that all the time because it might be part of their job or well, simply anything. Sometimes we do share it with those whom we think we can trust or those whom we think won't judge. But then, it's always a human tendency to judge. Always is. Then again, that itself is somewhat a paradox because for thinking that someone might judge us is to be judging them too. So to even bring that part up is really futile because no matter what we do or say, we will always be judge. The only difference is the intensity as well as the angle that we are being judge from.
So yup, that basically sums up what has been happening over the last few days. Even when it seems like I don't, I still give a damn. My actions might not necessarily reflect how I feel. Because for me, I don't practice what I preach because I do not preach what I practice. For me, it's never about show and tell except when it is really necessary. Sometimes, it is about the reaffirmation of somethings that requires you to do something in the full view of that someone you actually give a damn about. But that's not what I am about to do because that's just plain wayang. It is all about the conscience that you have- if you do something you must never expect anything in return. Then again, if something is wanted, not even the heavens or hell should prove to be enough of an obstacle to prevent you from going all out to get it. At the end of the day, what is wanted will be received as long as the heart is clear.
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