It's been months since the unthinkable happened and it's sad to say that it still affects me one way or another. Results from last semester says alot about how affected I actually am though my actions speaks otherwise. Honestly, Im getting tired from this act that I'm putting on. I have accepted that it has already happened. I have fought with every single means that I can come up with but things remained the way it has. The unthinkable remains a reality. Not a day goes by without me waking up wishing it was just a bad dream. But as reality starts to sink in as I gradually gain conscious from my slumber, all I ever want to do is to turn over and fall sink into more slumber.

It is right for you to say that I sound loserish in every single way. Friends have seen how I would keep myself occupied just to get along. I've been biting my tongue to the point of near severance. I do appreciate the advice that was given. But in every single way, I can only appreciate the advice since my situation can only be empthatized at most. In no manner is my situation similar to others as are the situation of others are similar to mine. Because if it did, we would all be calling it taxation. Pity that we don't.

The fact that I have talked almost every single person away. Bridges that have been attempted to be built are quite rickety from what I have to share. So I have stopped sharing altogether. Even when I do share, it is done with caution for fear that the new bridge might end up riddled with instability thus consequentially causing it to collaspe. There is only one thing left in the world that I care about and that is me caring the fact that I do not care at all.

I've been riding harder and harder each and everytime with musings from Muse blasting from my iPod as each turn, each corner becomes more fluid from the previous ones. You can't really call it recklessness since each one has been calculated and taken with full of reck. It is not with complete disregard as I do take into account of other commuters on the road; just not this one.

Each day is taken with a fuck-if-I-care attitude. As long as others are happy, then I can be happy for others. I guess the pursuit of happiness has ceased to exist as I have yet to find any meanings in all of this. Maybe someday I will, maybe I won't. I would gladly taken the chance to empty out this void if I could actually afford to. So, my bucket list remains unchecked. Thoughts of me taking a sabatical are met with fierce resistance- and that is just from my friends. I can sense that my parents share the same sentiments so no point sharing that with anyone anymore.

They say that time heals all wounds. I wish I could find out who "they" are and tell them off. If there is only one thing that time does to anyone is that it actually hardens them up. Nothing more nothing less.

Right now, there is nothing more that I want to do other than to don the beret. That was the one thing that has given me any purpose. The day that I was enlisted was simple the best day of my life. Nevermind the fact that there were simply so many setbacks that I had to overcome such as the 3 worst days of my life which I had to endure. Back then, no matter how FUBAR things might get, I'd always know that there was an end point. Alas, that was merely a tryst that I had before I was thrown back to the gaping jaws of reality. Those 2 years now seems like it all happened a lifetime ago.

I guess the only way to really get the old me back was to bring me back to that life once again. The samurai maxim of "fall down 7 times stand up 8" is having a hard time to be proven true. Maybe I will someday because right now, the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing more than an oncoming train.

Melanchony does funny things to me. I guess I'd just have to wait it out over the weekend to see if I am just as awesome as I was before in my "past-life".

The journey of a thousand miles begin with a single
step; and a lot of bitchin'