As a kid, I never knew of this thing called death until my grandfather passed away when I was only 5. I didn't know how to deal with that as a kid so I did what any other kid would do when they meet other kids- play. More than a decade later, my cousin passed away followed by my grandmother a year later. I still didn't know how to react to that. To me, I just felt empty- emotionless.

Perhaps that is the way I grieve. Rather, perhaps that is how things are since I do not have a lot of fond memories with them. I was too young to know my grandfather that well. By the time I was conscious of my being, my grandmother had already suffered a couple of strokes enough to impair her cognitive and communication skills. The only memory I have of my cousin was the numerous times we would visit him in the hospital(I wrote something about family gatherings and hospitals last year) due to the strange illness that he was suffering from. Thankfully, God saw how HE could no longer make him suffer and decided to end it all for him. I guess, the same went for my grandparents as well.

The only memories that I have about my grandparents all came from what my parents told me- how much they would dote on me and my elder brother despite being the trouble that we were. We're still troublesome but on different levels: nobody really bothers about the trouble that my brother makes because it only affects the environment on a personal level. Mine, on the other hand, well, let's just say that it is capable of so much more(on a good note that is).

It's been 3 years since I left that camp. People always say that that camp is haunted; that it is cursed. I can't help but to believe it now. 5 deaths so far. All of whom which I've come know on a rather personal level with the exception of one. All these deaths occurred after we ended our journey of 2 years. Well, I only joined them halfway through but it seems like an entire lifetime has taken place in such a short period of time.

Seems to me that the recent news is really affecting me. I can't help but to feel sad...really sad. The weather seems to be reflecting my emotions perfectly- all gloomy and down. He was really a great soldier. To him, come what may. It was only a month ago since I last saw all my men. To sum the whole thing up, I've never felt more whole in my entire life before. Green completes me. That's all there is to me. People may have their opinions about how shitty life can be in the green. Or how the "Organization" (or whatever it is that they've decided to term it) is very shitty. Well, show me one Organization or Service or whateveritisthatyoucallit that isn't shitty. Right now, I strongly believe, that there is none that is without its flaws. Sometimes, you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

To revert from digressing, my men are all amazing people. They are the best soldiers that I've come to know. So what if they're not Spec Ops or anything of that sort. It's really their attitudes that made me believe that there are good in people. So much so for labeling them as "trash of society".

It's really no point wishing that something like that had happened because it already did. Right now, he's already being cremated. Funny how a person ends up being just ashes at the end of his life. However it shall be his memory that we carry on with us that makes him who he was and who he really is. He will be missed. As I quote a friend, "Fight with you again some day. Wait for us." That we shall see. The company shall make it happen. We're really good at it- making the unimaginable happen.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.