I believe in the sand beneath my toes

Work has taken quite a big role in my life. To be honest, I am not enjoying this part of my life. I am not doing what I love though it is similar in my aspects. But it is just that, similar, and nothing else.

But up to this day, I bet no one has probably hunkered down on the exact reason why I had wanted that job so much. Well, the main reason is because ill serve. Perhaps that's the biggest flaw that I have- to do things for the sake of others. It is a flaw because once that reason ceases to exist, then ill just go back to how I was.

This is like smoking or rather when I stopped smoking for the longest time ever right after I ORD-Ed. For quite spmetime, I had actually quit smoking because the ex-gf had asked me to. Then, one day, I caught her smoking because she got stressed out from her poly study-thingy. Hence, I cycled back into smoking again. But it does soon after only to come back again because my 22nd birthday was such a huge disappointment. By then, I felt that it was the only thing I can control about my life and it felt really good that it was something that I could do for myself. Herein lies the concept of wanting something for myself.

Now, chubs has given me a deadline to quite smoking. By the end of the year, I would have to downgrade myself to a social smoker. True that she wants the best for me but since I'm doing it for her, if there ever comes a time that she stops to be a reason for me not to smoke, then, the habit will just kick back in with a vengeance.

Then again, that's the thing with girls. They fell in love with the guy that they first met and then they try to change him. The guy, being a guy, would give in to those changes for her sake. But then, he becomes the person that she didn't fall in love with in the first place and it all ends.

This story has been heard so many times that it has sort of become the template for far too many breakups that happens when the girl dumps the guy.

Chubs is no exceptions. I still remember how she used to tell me that she would think that I'm around whenever she smells someone smoking the same kind of cigarettes as I do. Or times when she thinks its me passing by the house just because the bike sounds the same.

Aside from breakfast that we used to (and still do) share, she used to accompany me to smoking. Perhaps that was the x-factor among many others (x is the twenty-fourth letter in the alphabet so that means there are already 23 reasons before this) that attracted her to me.

Perhaps I do understand girls but I can never truly figure out why they are like that.