State of Repression

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

As with every traumatic experiences, my coping mechanism has always been the same- repress! But apparently, that has done more harm than good especially to those around me. Those who has attempted to is still attempting to get close to me has found it more and more uncomfortable it is the closer they get.

Truthfully, nobody is who they seem they are. What they do, what they say and what they say they do are totally different things. And with everything, there are always 2 reasons to do it- a good one and the real one.

With each death, I see my dad wither away gradually. Over the span of 2 decades, he has lost his dad 19 years ago, his nephew, about 10 years ago and his mom a couple of years after. Yesterday, he lost his younger sister. Knowing him, he is not someone who would reveal how he really feels. What is noticable though is the state of limbo he is in. I've noticed it before- the one where he tells people that he's alright and behave as though he is alright but deep inside, he, and we-his family, knows that he really isn't okay. One day, I'll be just like him- or perhaps I already am.

I remember growing up thinking I don't want to be like him at all. But slowly, and surely, I am growing up to be my father's son. I've grown to see that he cares dearly for the people around him. If it's one thing I've learn from him is the most important lesson- "Better me than them". This sacrificial trait of his has been ingrained deeply into me. I don't know if I have inherited it through nature or nurture. Then again, whether I have indeed inherited this trait of his is up for others to decide.

But yes, it is very obvious of him to have done so through the many overtimes he took on just so that we got more money. Through the setting up of a branch of a weekend religious school so that kids in the neighborhood can gain knowledge at a more convenient place. He knows everyone and everyone knows him. He even struck up a conversation with one of the caretakers at the cemetery yesterday- apparently they know each other. So yes, my mom has commented it before (in jest of course)- he knows way too many people. But I guess that's just how he is. That trait does not exist in my elder brother. I think it exists in me. It definitely exists in my younger brother although his circle is still expanding.

So yes, it has begun. Im at the stage of my life where my peers are getting married and my parents and their peers are withering away. That point of life where we replace our parents has begun. I hate this. It's ironic how we are always looking forward to something without realizing that death too is in the future. Why can't we just look forward to today, to right now- the present. There is no death in the present. There is only the living and those who has passed on. In the future, death awaits.