So maybe tomorrow you'll find your way home

Lately, I have been becoming more and more impossible. If there's one thing I could attribute it to it would be the changes that's happening to me and to all those around me. These past couple of months have seen very drastic changes- death in the family has only made it especially apparent. The loss is especially apparent whenever I look at my dad. He is taking it really hard. 

All around us, everything is changing. As for me, I'll be starting my new job tomorrow. Chubs can vouch for me when I say that I am actually excited. Yet, amidst these changes, I fear that things might not actually be turning out for the better. Perhaps that is me saying so because I am slowly being forced out from my comfort zone. Everyone eventually moves out from their comfort zone- how fast that happens for them differs. As for me, I am thankful that God has allowed this transition to be a slow and gradual one. 

The only easy day was yesterday. This is the motto that has been reinforced during BUDs training. First time I heard it was from my JC rugby teacher. It was reiterated during my days in the army. I have held on to that saying strongly as I move on to things, relishing every moment of it because I know that no matter how tough things can get, not matter how uncomfortable the situation might be, there is an ending. Whether it is in sight or out of it is a different story altogether. 

Nevertheless, changes has turned me into an angry person. I am the sort of person who asks "why?!". Specifically, I am the sort of person who asks "why the fuck?!". I am in strong need of a trigger to diminish that anger. That trigger came in time for me just now as I wandered aimlessly before breaking my fast and after breaking. You see, I am someone who needs some sort of a pattern to get on with life. Even in chaos there is pattern. That said, I do make do even if there are patterns. As long as there is some sort of a routine to get me by. Even if I go on to a certain situation that breaths uncertainty or even hectic chaos, I need to know if there is something for me to fall back on. The lack of this causes restlessness from within and this restlessness eventually affects everyone in a very very bad way. 

But that trigger came not a moment too soon as I stepped into the McDonalds near my house as they started playing Have a Nice Day by the Stereophonics. Almost immediately I feel an incredible amount of peace and calm that bubbled up from within. You see, songs have a great impact on me- I relate songs to certain moments of my life. Androgyny by Garbage brings me that certain amount of calmness whenever I am at range. I remember singing that song in my head despite the incredulous amount of gun fire going around me- that lead me to getting marksmen. There are certain other songs that have been designated as triggers for me that have a certain effect on me. As for now, I am a tad too lazy to list them all down. In fact, I can't really remember them all right now. Perhaps you could do an experiment on me and see which song suddenly brings about a smile on my face- a smile which spells, without any typos, calmness and serenity from within. 

I am like that- weird. We all live by triggers. It actually takes a huge amount of effort to trigger of my rage but when it is triggered off, its really a huge amount of rage that needs to be under controlled. So far, Chubs has been dealing with it extremely well but I fear that she is getting tired of dealing with it. So yes, I do have to keep it under check from time to time. Perhaps its because I care, too much sometimes, that such things happen to me. It's ironic however that you get angry because you care. 

Out of all these mumbo jumbo, perhaps there is one conclusion to it all- I am actually The Incredible Hulk. Right now, however, I just feel like more of The Incredible Bulk.