Do you know how much i hate myself right now for not be able to do something which im doing right now years ago? Why didnt i? Gutless? Probably. So probably im full of guts now? Perhaps. God noes...

How i hate myself for being able to figure things out before things are said. And even worse that im able to figure it out correctly...how do i do it? I have no idea...somehow i am able to do it...effortlessly too. Crap. Sorry if i dont seem to react when im told...i have already reacted.

It takes effort for me to show emotions. Emotionless. I rarely get angry. I never got sad. I never cried. I try not to. Shows where im weak. And ego is a terrible monster that fights with emotions. I never cried when my cousin passed away. I never cried when my grandma passed on. I never cried nor felt sad not even a tinge when i found out that it was somebody i knew who died in that tragic incident. And death is something that someone would cry for coz that person wont be coming back...ever.

Perhaps its all the conditioning that ive gotten ever since young. The terrible trainings and all. The fear that's being taught to be suppressed. FEar. The key to all emotions. FEar of death. Fear of losing something. FEar of unknown. Fear if what you might noe. The sum of all fears.

How do you go about doing something when every corner, ever option is a restriction. Do you play the game? Do you come out of the game and umpire it instead, making your own rules as you go on just so that you can win it? We'll see how it goes...time to call in some favors. Guys if you're reading, i might be calling you guys soon enough....

Just so you know....