You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

I was doing my pre-ride ritual while plugged in into the radio when I heard this song. I know this isn't the first time that I've heard this song and yes, i know, its a very old song. But for the first time in my life, this song made sense to me. It actually made sense!

Truth be told, I was running a fever just now. After reaching home, I tried watching Glee(awesome show btw) but fell asleep halfway through from the medications i took. I thought some rest might do me good but i felt as shitty as before after the sleep. Well, i decided to push through anyway since I want a spot for this Saturday's game. But when that song came on, POOOOF!! Fever gone!

This newfound realization put me in a spot of what I want to achieve for myself, for my family and just about anyone whom i hold dearly. There's so much that I still have to do. And now, there's nothing that I have to give up for a great future. My drive is back. I shall remain driven even after i've achieved my goals.

Patience comes to those who actually wait. Doesn't mean something can make you happy right now, yet make others miserable at the same time, is going to last. It'll only last when everyone's happy at the same time and at that everyone is happy for you too.

Rugby today was as awesome as ever. Skipped NTU training for SRC training. The view was as magnificent as always. But the one thing that I like so much about training there is that people, whom are as old as my dad, treat me as their peers. Literally. I know this doesnt seem much to many. But try talking business, family and jobs and you know what i mean. I feel so uncle-ish sometimes when i talk to them. Well, the good thing is that even when i keng with them, nobody will question me for doing so.

Well, as usual, I actually had a great deal of things to write about but when I actually get down to actually writing them, everything's forgotten. Sucks.

In life, as in rugby, you won't go far unless you know where the try line is

2 Random thoughts:

1) Perhaps I should get myself a microwave oven so that at least I won't be eating a cold (late) dinner by the time I get home.

2) A nice, long bike ride always calms me down.

Pain heals, chicks dig scars but glory..glory lasts forever!!!

It's 30mins to midnight and yet im still in school. sian...well, i should be off in a while i guess.

If you're not ready to read what im about to type, i suggest you close this browser immediately because i WILL be writing about things that might affect people more than they'll ever know. No, i am not writing this out of spite. This is rather objective of me to write this. What those objectives are are actually up to me to decide. Don't ask, don't tell.

You have been warned....

LOVE. This 4 letter word is the most dangerous word one can ever use. It's because of this word that millions, no billions, have died from. It has caused the world endless amount of suffering but yet at the same time it is able to give what everyone deserves-peace.

I've been reading a few (overdue)books which touched this topic greatly. Relationships and love. Why do people get into a relationship? Why do people sometimes use the excuse of love to be in a relationship? Well, it appears that fear is the major contributor here. Fear of dying, fear of dying alone, fear of just being alone. An experiment has shown this to be true. This experiment involved a (shaky)bridge 10ft off the ground, a chiobu(wee weeT!) in the middle of the bridge, another bridge just merely 2ft off the ground, and 2 groups of males. And yes,the same chiobu on the second bridge too. Apparently, the first group on the higher bridge seem to be showing more interest in the lady more when she was higher up as compared to when she was on the lower bridge. Supposedly, the bridge was really really shaky and go figure to the kind of fear all those participants, who called her after the experiment, were facing.

What am i deriving at? Well, it seems that fear is more than a powerful factor for people to get or remain in a relationship. Like what i've heard people say, sometimes, they just value the relationship more than their partner in that relationship. That sucks, really.

Let's take out the bridge and put something else here. The fear of not being in a relationship can someone push someone into one. Sometimes, the guy can just be a rebound guy(or girl). But that can be enough to make the person feel as if they are on cloud number 9 (or maybe 10 because cloud number 9 is full of those who fear). But really, are they really the one or just the next one?

On a personal account, every girl that I see now(well most) seem to be quite attractive to me. There's this urge to talk to a girl and well, hopefully it might manifest into something else. But i know that that wouldn't be love or anything of that sort. Why? It's because that girl might just be the rebound. It's really selfish of a person to go after a new partner after they just got dumped(or they being the one to do the dumping). Why? It's because they haven't had time to themselves yet.

I suppose you all might be wondering, what if the one who's broken are the ones being chased? Well, I say that that person doing the chasing is just waiting for a chance to pounce on. No matter what was said, it will never change that fact. Actions speak louder than words mind you.

Like I said, it's never fair for that person who hasn't had time to fully recover from it all. Studies have shown that it takes between 6 months at least before someone is able to go into( or form) another relationship without having second thoughts about it all. For me, I say, let's enjoy this life for now.

I've got other things to worry about. And when im done worrying, i've got a scholarship to go after. Hopefully, i'd earn more than enough and then able to afford to send my parents for a haj. Well, that's my dreams. Wishful thinking? I guess so.

Asking the question why is just as pointless as pulling out the legs off of a centipede

There is only one way to describe my morning- PCB! Only a few people know what this means and I highly doubt any of them would be reading this. Imagine this, I "woke up" early enough just so that I can get to the centre in time only to be told that because of some confusion, I am not needed and that I'd start only next week. How efficient is that. Despite that, I wasn't able turn up for the game as I simply did not get enough sleep last night.

Firstly, the cat woke up me up on several occasions when I was just about to sleep. Damn cat kept running around the house and climbing all over it and over me as well. As usual, I did my routine of watching a documentary just so that I could fall asleep. The documentary was about Amelia Earhart. Yeap..it was boring enough to put anyone to sleep. Again, I almost finished watching that too before I was feeling sleepy enough. Just as that was about to happen, Coco decided to climb the TV after jumping on me. So...i decided to switch of the TV and the fan fearing that he might just jump into the rotating blades and hurt himself real bad. I moved in into my bedroom and lied down on my bed.

Just as i was closing my eyes, I SWEAR THIS, i heard somebody grunting and sighing into my ear. Obviously that shook up me. I decided to not think too much about it and tried to sleep. Again, I was like a bloody salad as I tossed and turn in bed. I don't know how long it took for me to fall asleep but it seemed like an eternity before I finally did. DAMN THOSE THOUGHTS KEEPS RUNNING IN MY HEAD!

As if it wasn't enough, bad dreams kept waking me up again and again. I woke up at 3, 4, 5 and 6 am before deciding that I was going to give up on sleeping and get ready for work. Hence, upon receiving the news, I went home, switched on the TV and tried to sleep. Of course my mom was surprised that I got home that early knowing that each session would last a few hours. It took me less than 1 before I was home again. This time around, I was able to doze off peacefully infront of the TV which was showing Everybody Loves Raymond. hehs. funny show. Like I said, PCB!

It's only the end of the first week of the semester and Im already pressured to work my butt off already. Im not sure if this applies to everyone or even the majority. Sometimes, I wished that I was a bit of laid back in things like this. Alas, im not a genius. So, working hard is all I can ever afford.

Sometimes, sleeping over it might mean not being to sleep at all

It's almost 1am and I can't believe im actually in school right now. Guess with the amount of work that needs to be done on a weekly basis, this is something that i have to do. Then again, maybe im just being kiasu? Perhaps.

Near misses aside, rugby today was rather alright. Well, coaching it at least. It's just something about rugby that I am so attracted about. By now, whoever's reading this must be going "UGH!!! Rugby again???" hahahaha. Like I said, it has shaped me to be the way I am right now.

That said, it has taught me something really valuable-mediocrity is actually a disease. I can never-again-understand how someone can tell someone else it's okay when it's obviously not okay. Well, this doesn't apply to anything except for the matter of effort. Like teaching. Never once did my parents praise me if I got good grades. They would only go, "im sure you can do better than that" or "so what's next?" That said, it actually pisses me off whenever they did that. But as I played more rugby, i finally began to understand what they really meant by it. It means, i've yet to reach my fullest potential. Though I did good, or rather decently, that doesn't mean I should be contented. IT only means that there's someone out there who's better than me and I should beat him(up! hahaha).

Coaching today was rather...urm..fulfilling. Acquaintances who are(or going to be) teachers have been proud to claim of what they make-namely their students tremble in fear. Well, I can make grown men cry. I can make they puke out whatever they had for the breakfast the morning before and if i push a little bit further, it could very well be the breakfast that they had last week. Sadistic? I think not. Detox? Pretty much so.  Well, perhaps this team would actually win something. They just have to trust themselves.

On another note, it sucks to see someone(seemingly) down. It's when you can see that they've distanced themselves even from themselves. Physically there but not mentally nor spiritually.  Distracted perhaps? Well, do what I do, spend some time alone. Like literally alone. The most extreme thing I ever did was to sit at a cemetery all alone. I figured that (i was only 16 then) since I was very very afraid of ghosts then...so why not face them then? If I can face my greatest fear, all else should roll by quite easily. And that I did, fortunately, it was all just a figment of my imagination. That place really turned out to be the most peaceful place in the entire world even though it was quite morbid for me to have done so. Or perhaps a nice long bike ride could ease it all away? Hmm...

a friend is someone who helps you up when you're down, and if they can't, they lay down beside you and listen

I suppose today was the day of all days. I dont't know if I was marked or something but there simply one too many mishaps on the road today. Firstly, it was the wind. It was way to drafty today. On the way to get my contract signed, I almost got swept away off the road-literally. I was banking when the bike skidded-a little bit-before I managed to gain control again. In my mind, I was already prepared to sit on the right side of the bike if it did get out of the control and ride the skid out.

It didn't help that some bitch had to clean her windscreen while on the expressway. I thought it was raining as water splashed down on my face. She was promptly dealt as i swerved infront of her and braked hard.

On the way back to school, some idiot thought that his lorry was a battering ram. He cut into my lane-slowly but surely- even as I flashed my headlights and sounded my horn at that bastard.

It didnt help that even in school, some idiot tried to cross the road without looking. Almost knocked him down. Guess the sound of my tires screeching on the road startled him to jump back on the kerb with the driver of an oncoming vehicle looking on-perhaps hoping that I would crash and burn so that he can take down my plate number and strike big on 4D.

Maybe Im just being paranoid. Hmm...well, 4 strikes and im still alive. I hope that my luck reserve for this year doesn't deplete too quickly.

Training today couldn't get anymore awesome. Well, it could and hopefully it will. Never felt like pushing myself so hard before this. Guess this time around, I really have nothing to lose. Well, except for my shoulder which hurts like hell. Honestly, I forgot the last time I was able to push myself this hard before-so hard that my entire body is aching right now. Yeah...balls to the walls intensity. Guess a little bit(okay..a lot of it actually) anger helps. Yeap. Anger not frustration.

I seriously do not know which mods to take for this semester. Right now, I have 8 hours of non-stop lessons on Tuesdays of which I have to constantly run around the school. I seriously have no idea which mods to drop as they all seem very interesting to me. Well, except for my GERPE, everything else is interesting.

Hopefully, I will not burn out towards the exams as what I have been for the past 3 semesters. Like I said, I'm hoping this semester to be a good one. I've got nothing to lose this time. The fire in my eyes says it all.

keep quiet nothing comes as easy as you can i lay in your bed all day i'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake

It's only 1 more day till school starts again. I can't say most will agree with me but i am kinda looking forward to the new semester. New semester, new life, new beginnings. I have to look forward from here on now. It's hard, but i've got to push through anyway. It's unfortunate how days when people who smash through walls are revered.

The holidays were something. Bangkok was something. It was the first time ever that the family flew up to a destination together. It was rather nice. Can't say the same for the pilot's landing skills. We actually bounced up a couple of times before really touching down for good. Tsk. Plus, it's been more than 10 years since the family went anywhere together. The last time that happened was in 1998. Secondary school started for me 2 years later and each and every time that they wanted to go for a holiday, i'd give them an excuse of rugby, remedial classes and whatnot. Truthfully, i'd rather not go for holiday with them. Yes, they are my family and I SHOULD spend time with them...but it just drives me up the wall sometimes. Bangkok relieved that experience.

Usually, that is the place that you can get things for prices so cheap that you'll end up coming back with a huge bag of it. The only people who actually knew how to bargain was me and my dad. My mom picked it up quickly(this is bargaining for things not sold in a wet market). My brothers were total idiots. My younger brother couldn't wait to get the thing that he was just willing to pay any price that was quoted. Can't say i blame him since he's only going to be 18 this year. But my elder brother, with his come-cheat-me look on his face was the worst. IT came to a point that when i wanted to get something, I told him to stand somewhere far away so that the vendor(or whatever he is called) wouldn't try to cheat me as well. Other than that, he just talks about a lot of things that would only make sense to someone retarded(like 5 year old kind of retardedness).

My parents couldn't stop squabbling. Yeah..that was embarrassing. Even in the lift with strangers inside-they were talking as if they owned the whole lift. Especially my mom. Well, if things doesn't go her way, she will start..urm..talking fast and in a high pitch voice AKA nag! It's terribly irritating and embarrassing when she starts doing that in public. That said, im not embarrassed of my family, it's just that sometimes they can do without doing all that they did. That certainly would have made the trip a bit more enjoyable.

On the other side of things, people who asked me questions that are not meant to be asked gets coldness. It sucks when here you are trying so hard to forget about things and someone just swoops in and asks you about it. Heck, I thought that was done and over with. I don't know, maybe im just that stubborn to listen to people's advice. Perhaps, I just like to take it my own way at my own pace. Nobody, especially me, likes to be rushed unless i want to do it myself. That won't be rushing, that's called hasting. There's a difference there which I myself can't tell. But there IS a difference alright.

Well, let's just hope this semester promises something good.

If all is not lost, where is it?

Around 12 more hours before I take off. I'm feeling kind of apprehensive about the trip. Hell, im feeling apprehensive about everything. Nothing feels right anymore. Everything is just empty.

2009 seems to be a rather bad year after all. A lot of people I know are suffering from relationship problems. Well, safe to say, none of them are suffering while being in one now. It's just so sad you know? Well, even Rome fell down eventually. I guess this is no different.

One thing's for sure, I don't think I'll be missed when I'm gone. 3 days of pure bargaining and doing something something like the BKKers does it. Hehs. I am not sure what to expect while over there. It stills seems rather weird to me to be going overseas to be doing something other than military.

Guess I'll have to live with it.

Never miss the opportunity to make someone happy, even if it means leaving them alone

The last day of last year and the first day of this year all got rolled into one long day. I haven't slept yet in the longest time ever. Each time I closed my eyes, I will get nightmares. Flashbacks will occur time and time again. Sleep is like a curse and the nightmare seems never ending. Nothing seems to be real anymore. I just wished I could wake up again and everything is alright.

I am really blessed with my family and friends. I know this sounds faggoty, but they've really been a huge help by keeping me occupied. I do get "lost" sometimes. When I stare into blank space, I think I kind of lose conscious for awhile.I have no recollection of what happened or is happening. It's like a reboot to my mind or something.

Perhaps I'll get used to it. Well, whatever comes my way, I guess I'll just roll with the punches.

The dream that I had last night was rather peculiar yet pleasing. It's about things in my life that never changes-Rugby and The Army. Those two things provided me with bittersweet memories and are still burning me with them as new memories pile up onto each other. Because of those two, I am proud to say that that is how I am who I am today and where I am today. (How I am today is a different story because injuries do pile up too). Perhaps, this answers the question as to why I do bother so much with it(or rather them)-

That said, I just watched a Rugby film on a random basis. Based on a true story, I am suddenly filled with this insatiable thirst of desire. FTW!

It's not about rugby, it's about young men. It's not about building a championship team, it's about building championship boys, boys who will be FOREVER STRONG
-Larry Gelwix

It's funny how you can sometimes stumble onto songs that somehow reflects how things are for you at the moment

If it means a lot to you

Never have I wished so hard in my life for that every sms/calls received would be from you...

Today, a mother saw how broken hearted her son is.
This stupid son of hers, wished he would have never done what he did.
He wished that he would have just followed his heart instead of listening to his stubborn (stupid)head.
He wished that he would have trusted his instincts more.
He wished that he could have taken back everything and make things right again.
He wished that things never turned out this way.
He wished that he could go back in time to before the 1st of October or maybe perhaps the 15th of July.
He wishes that with each trip he makes on his bike, he would go through some time portal that would bring him back in time.

If only you knew...
If only I had known...

I can't help but to wonder, "who reads my blog?". I'm sure it goes without saying to anyone who writes on a regular basis on any blog site. Besides those who commented on the CBOX(so far, there's only one guy who does it), I have no clue on who reads. Perhaps, its time I do something about it? Ahh...it's just a random thought that just hit me. 

Speaking of things hitting me, I just got hit by bird shit in the morning. I was sitting at the carpark, going about my own business doing my pre-ride ritual when suddenly SPLAT! A bird shit landed nicely on my left calf. IT must have eaten papaya or something or probably was having diarrhea because of its color. Guess I should be getting something from lady luck pretty soon then with regards to popular beliefs. Then again, maybe not? It seems that I have been a prime target for birds lately. The last time it happened, I only noticed after I parked my bike. Again, on my left leg(the thigh). That must have been one pro bird as it was able to hit me on the move. Must have been a bomber in the previous life or something.

Should I be lamenting on how great my day was yesterday? Though it was cut short, it was indeed the highlight that I was looking forward to. Hopefully, just maybe, it can happen again SOOOOOON. Hehs. In addition to that, I received a comment about my forehead. IT was said to be high and hence people with high foreheads tend to think a lot. I do admit that I am sometimes lost in my own thoughts but when it comes to articulating it, that's another different story. By the time I am FINALLY some place to pen it all down, 9/10th of it would already be lost. Hence, when you do read here tends to be mostly gibberish. So far, only a few people are able to read what is going through my mind and rather, what went through it. 

On another point, Reversi has been sort of an addiction for me. Besides it being an almost no brainer game, well, actually, that was just it. Let's try something else which tests my patience and see how good I can be in looking at fine details and to discover discrepancies- if there are any.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZm3d4J-7PI

I'm having mixed feelings about today. The day began really awesome. Kite flying really taught me something. No, it's not like I had it all planned out to begin with. It just dawned upon me as the kite went higher and higher. I know I scared you with that, but thoughts do come to me at the randomest moments.

Tugging/pulling back and letting go-its all part of the deal. There is always an anchor point for without one, being carefree becomes merely careless. Carelessness causes you to crash-violently sometimes. Having an anchor means that you come down smoothly and safely and that there is someone at the end of the line to catch you. ALWAYS.

Alas, the day was cut short. Candies, Hello Kitty, Ice-cream and magic hour had to be done without. I was disappointed. But I do understand why it has to be that way. No point retaliating. It would only make things go worse. But......

Anyway, I do look forward to such days. It's like every Sunday which I look forward to during my Army days. Monday would come, and I'd look forward to the next Sunday. My NS went by soooooooo fast that way..(:

How I wished you were there just now..

It seems like its getting harder and harder to keep myself distracted. My faith in things are waning as I sink deeper and deeper into this hell hole. So far, nothing has been going great. The semester went down the drain. I made the person that I've truly ever loved so hurt, that the mere thought of me hurts her the most. In return for that, now it hurts so much to realize what I'm doing. I guess I am getting what I've deserved. I shall receive this punishment willingly.

I guess I have been pushing hard for things to happen. Perhaps its just me. I have been pushing hard for things all my life. It's called effort. Nothing has ever happened to me because of luck. Everything that has happened to me is all because of the determined effort that I've put in in either work or pleasure. Nothing has been left to chance for me because I am someone who believes strongly in taking matters into my own hands. That said, do rest assured that it has no negative connotations.

Then again, that is no excuse for what I did. I should have saw it coming. No matter how much I've longed for you, I should be able to control myself. But i failed-epically.

All I ever needed is you. That is all I have to say. Believe when I say that what I did, was and still is for you own good. Because being humans, we all need reminders sometimes. Even me.

I'd do anything to be in ur arms once again

FUBAR

Never have I felt this way. Simply put it, things are FUBAR at the moment. Yes, it is beyond all recognition. You know its like that when calls go unanswered, and smses goes unreplied. I feel all flustered up and agitated. I think the best remedy for this would be pain: either causing or receiving. No matter what, the amount of pain caused or received simply cannot be compared to what it is right now-FUBAR.

Thinking that a long ride would help, especially one in the rain, it actually didn't! Thinking that sleeping it off might help, well, it didn't! Thinking smoking would help, well, it gave me a sense of release. But after all that, it's back to square one.

There's a song titled " Good to know that I ever needed attention all I have to do is die". Well, I was playing along those lines lately. But it seems that nobody dares to crash into me. There's a law which goes, " the longer im on the road, the higher the chances of a mishap happening to me". Well, I didn't come up with that; some riding/driving instructor did. But so far, I suppose, that is not meant to happen to me.

There's is probably a million and one question running through me head. No, its not that I don't trust you, its just that I have no clue what is going on right now. I am powerless in all that has been happening. Powerlessness breeds bossiness. I apologize for doing what I'm doing. It's like what I told you just now-it has not changed since.

I suck, I really do. I don't know why I allow myself to feel or be this way. For the first time in my life, this is something that I have no control about. You waived off all my confidence and all that that is me. Its the kind of confidence that I have and take it with me in facing all my adversities. The kind that cannot be talked about as much as I would like to as of my other challenges. The kind that isn't reported, documented or damned if remembered. I guess this time, the adversity is bigger than ever. The toughest I'm facing. Tougher than scaling a mountain deemed impassable but scaled anyway.

Even what I'm saying here doesn't make sense at all. Like the page says, blabberbutt- I'm just blabbering here: not making sense at all. Perhaps I have lost all senses as of now.

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love