When you tell me I'm a wreck

It has come to the point that I feel that nobody really gives a damn about me. Even if they said they do or did, the fact remains that I still feel that they do not REALLY give a damn about me. It just feels that everyday, I am going around trying to make them happy even though more than not, sometimes it causes the opposite reaction when I never had it intended to begin with.

The word "understanding" or "patience" or basically anything along those lines really irks me out now. It feels like the more I adhere to those words the more I am getting trampled on. It really makes me feel like being kind really is a sign of weakness. After all, it's really all the stupid dicks in the world who have been getting things done their way. Life for me has always been one that is reactionary. Most of the time, I am just waiting for things to happen. Then there are other times that I don't even know what has happened.

It really seems like the nicer your try to be to someone the more they try to take advantage of the situation. I guess no one will ever understand that even though I do not show it sometimes or most of time, I do give a damn about you. Make it two, maybe three or more. Bottom line is, I do. Sadly, that sometimes isn't enough for some people especially for those in their selfish pursuits. Well, some might disagree that it is selfish because that can be very subjective as well. At the end of the day, only the highest order can judge us...he did create us all to begin with. Who am I to judge after all right?

Speaking of which, everyone has a past they would want to cover up. That everyone includes me. The reason why they feel that way is because they do not like to feel judge. Hell, who likes to feel that way even if they do that all the time because it might be part of their job or well, simply anything. Sometimes we do share it with those whom we think we can trust or those whom we think won't judge. But then, it's always a human tendency to judge. Always is. Then again, that itself is somewhat a paradox because for thinking that someone might judge us is to be judging them too. So to even bring that part up is really futile because no matter what we do or say, we will always be judge. The only difference is the intensity as well as the angle that we are being judge from.

So yup, that basically sums up what has been happening over the last few days. Even when it seems like I don't, I still give a damn. My actions might not necessarily reflect how I feel. Because for me, I don't practice what I preach because I do not preach what I practice. For me, it's never about show and tell except when it is really necessary. Sometimes, it is about the reaffirmation of somethings that requires you to do something in the full view of that someone you actually give a damn about. But that's not what I am about to do because that's just plain wayang. It is all about the conscience that you have- if you do something you must never expect anything in return. Then again, if something is wanted, not even the heavens or hell should prove to be enough of an obstacle to prevent you from going all out to get it. At the end of the day, what is wanted will be received as long as the heart is clear.

Throw down some smack downs

I believe I have delivered the best analogy ever this morning during class. Analogies being analogies, they have to be anal to deliver the point. Well, I'm not really sure what made me say it but me saying "After you shit, do you use clean toilet paper or toilet paper that already has shit on it?" surely delivered the effect desired.

What a way to open up on things especially when I have been away for a month. I guess it has been sort of a drought for me as whatever comes to mind usually comes in the form of angst. So, in the spirit of "If-you-have-nothing-good-to-say-then-you-better-not-say-it", it all usually disappears through, well, abuse really. Hours of gym, a lot of running- physical pain really. After all that, nothing really matters. Aside from the immense satisfaction that I get after hours of "abuse" (mainly because of the shitloads of endorphins being produced by my body), being able to manifest pain in any form into a physical one actually helps because you know how to actually deal with it. This is actually why people slit their wrist. Those who jump down from tall buildings actually had skydiving in their bucket list but couldn't afford to do it properly so it's really a might-as-well kind of thing.

"I hope you understand" has become sort of overrated for me. Sometimes I wish I really wasn't that understanding really. But I guess this selflessness is innate. Well, not really innate but inculcated into me by years and years of training. Yup..training- not education, not socialization, not because of the way my parents brought me up. I am talking about being taught every single way to fight since I was young. While muscle memory has faded, my mind is still well attuned to perform those awesome moves that you can see in the movies. The only difference is because my body is not used to it, I tend to do it a lot slower...so slow that you would probably be done with lunch by the time I have executed a move. Any move.

Back from digressing, so yup. That's what I get from everyone day in day out. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. Being captain doesn't explain it because I have always been for the team. In fact, I need a lot of good reasons for me to skip training. It has always been team first. Well, it used to be mission first...god I miss "mission first". Perhaps it's due to my protective nature. I don't know if my team knows or even appreciates what I do for them. Well, that doesn't matter because at the end of the day, we did win the championship last year. Let's see if we are able to hoist the trophy up again under my leadership.

I miss it when times were much simpler

still breathing down your neck is my priority

Everything feels so surreal since the events that have unfolded since Thursday night took place. Although it wasn't me who had to go through the entire ordeal, I still feel the pain for my friend or rather one of my brothers. Well, I am following Shakespears' rule that "for he who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother". So he qualifies as one.

It set me back thinking, "Am I ready for the death of my parents?" Obviously I am not. But then, being the sneaky one he is, God always has something up his sleeves. Tragedy will hit you when you least expect it. Since you never expect tragedy to happen, the probability for it to happen to you at this very moment is extremely high.

Losing one's parents is no easy thing. To say that I am unprepared to lose mine is simply an understatement. To say that I never want to lose mine is simply delusional. The debt that I owe to my parents is simply too much. I doubt I will be able to fully repay them once I am fully able to. But I will do my best to fulfill that not because I am a filial son, not because it is a requirement set by the government to do so but because I owe them so much. And I am one person who doesn't like to owe people anything.

Although this might seem like a drastic change of topic, on another hand (anyway...) the road to recovery seems pretty much straightforward and smooth sailing for me. Being able to run again, albeit getting hit from multiple stitches all at one go, is truly blissful. I remember that in the army I was able to clock at least 5 klicks a day of running. I said at least because on a normal basis, everyone would clock more than 10 klicks daily. And that is excluding the ones that we have to run with our men who needs an extra push(kena fuck and tekan by people like me) so that by some chance, they'd be able to pass their IPPT. Right now, being able to run a mere 2 klick without having to stop is already a blessing for me.I miss the days when I was able to complete a 5klick run in just under 15 minutes (upon which I blacked out at the end).

However, I have so far been quite successful in the battle of the bulge. At least I am not so fat now. The image of me having double chin (which I kind of already have) is simply disgusting. Plus, I was not able to fit into so many of my pants. Those that were tailored have already been given away. However, recently, the pants that I have been wearing since I had the stomach of a 3 month old pregnant woman has been feeling pretty lose. Well, that could only mean that I am finally losing it. Oh wells, I've been cycling a bit, swimming when I can and hitting the gym as often as 5 times a week. As for food, I've been cutting down here and there. The final obstacle, I guess, would be the ciggies. I guess every little bit helps. This all came from a picture of my JC rugby days. I was able to have a 6 pack then, I should be able to have them soon. It's all about how much I want it. Besides being able to look good once again, its actually about...hell, it mostly about being able to look good.

Well, I guess that pretty much sums up everything.

Somebody give me a sign

In the midst of all the projects that I have on hand, I am deciding to take a break (one out of many) to keep this space recent. Not that I have something to really write about but I guess I could bitch and moan here without having anyone to tell me off since it is YOUR choice to read this space anyway.

The firm that I've been interning here has been pretty alright. Here, it is the intern (meaning me) who picks on the permenant staff. Well, its a fun environment really. And so far, I have been pulling of tricks just to avoid taking on any more projects. Suffice to say, I have learnt quite a bit to stay afloat in the work environment. In other words, I can't wait to get back to school.

The other thing that has been keeping me very occupied is the damn rugby team. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother so much. The fact that I had rushed my specialist for an early surgery date was so that I could don school colours once more for them. On top of that, I have been absorbing the shit that everyone has been giving me for the sake of the team. Note that I am ABSORBING and not DEFLECTING, so it is definitely wearing me down. Attendence has been super disappointing and the reasons (or rather excuses) that I have received are found to be rather perplexing.

Well, when the heart is willing, you'd do anything to make it happen but when it's not, you'll find a thousand ways to avoid it (at all cost!). I wonder why the attitude is so bad. Could it be me and my leadership? Well, no one has dared to voice out anything yet so I guess we will never know.

I remember constantly looking forward to rugby every single day when I had training. It even came up to the point that I was training 6 days a week (in addition to 3 nights a week of silat) back in secondary school. But when I was told to choose the manner I would like to represent the country, I did not regret choosing rugby. This is despite the fact that they dropped me out for the tour (which never happened thanks to SARS! HAHAHAHA!) for some brand name. Well, all I can say about that is that revenge has been sweetly meted out just a few months back despite me being on crutches.

Well, I have got to think of something soon before I call it quits on the team- both as captain and player. After all that I have done for them, I am being repaid in a manner that befits the description of most teachers- you teach me, I'll give you crap! I do realize that that last sentence might anger some of you out there but that's only because you do not understand what I just said. Well, if it did, than that only goes to show your level of intelligence or rather the lack of it. In addition, I am not going to explain that either. So it's a take it or leave it kind of thing.

I am craving for perfection

How do you describe things when you're frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad and just plain sian? Oh wait, maybe I just did.

Guess, it's just one of those days, or week, or month, or year...maybe decade? Maybe one of those centuries? Fuck..its just one of those life.

Don't fix if it's not broken yet

I AM DECLARING THE WEEK THAT HAS PASSED AS MURPHY'S WEEK!

Basically everything that could go wrong did go wrong! Well, Murphy, guess what? I have prevailed you bitch! It was rather a tiresome week which all started from day 1, or Monday rather. The day where I was supposed to end the misery that is Year 3, Semester 2. What was supposed to be a glorious day of relieve became that of dread. I now hold a grudge against my computer for corrupting my report that was supposed to be handed in on the last day of my exams. Because of that, I spent 2 more days doing from scratch (well not really) on my final report. God that was fucked up.

That was followed by several by other series of unfortunate events which culminated to my phone being screwed up thanks to the rain! The rain and my supposedly $80-Gore-Tex-Jacket. That plus I practically jet-skied across the expressway home in the super-duper (or as some mats/minahs preferred it to be spelled as "supa-dupa") heavy rain. Lucky for me, Murphy took a break today as I got my phone fixed at only $30 with a lot of fees "waived" since "mine is an iphone 3g". Wonder what that was supposed to mean. But hey! Less money spent equals to a heavier wallet and that equals to a more genuine smile to the power of 10.

I should be asleep now but thanks to Murphy and his almighty law, I am up setting up my phone to be the awesomemost iphone again. Honestly, I can't wait to start my internship tomorrow. The only thing I am dreading is the journey there. So far, I've counted at least 2 ERP gantries to the office and the thought of paying for parking everyday is so bleargh! All in all, I have calculated that i'll be spending $26 for parking for the next 8 weeks. I have no idea how much ERP is going to cost me. This is truly an ehpfftany. Well, whatever! At least I'll be compensated (not much) and I'll be getting some job experience(from doing saikang).

We will see how the next 8 weeks goes and see if I am truly suited for a desk-bound job. I highly suspect that I'll shrivel up and die behind my desk before the 8 weeks are up.

Is there something I can say to make you turn around

On the way to school tonight, I decided to pop by Caltex which has the 2 for $2 deal drinks. It seems like the idea of having 2 bottles Peppermint Green Tea to down while getting some work done was ideal especially with the sore throat that I have. Damn, it is the wrong time to fall sick. Then again, when is it ever the right time to fall sick?

To my utter surprise, City Harvest just finished a service(on a Wednesday night???). So, traffic conditions there were, for lack of a better word, disappointing. I hate being stuck in traffic and as always, the thought of clear open road tempted me even if it means making one big round just to get to my destination. As long as I could keep cruising, nothing else matters. Inadvertently, it brought me towards Pasir Laba Camp. That place sure holds a lot of memory for me.

For about 26-28 weeks of the second half of 2006, I spent my days there as a trainee. Every other night was nights-off. It got to the point that nobody could be bothered going out. We basically pissed everybody else off because our company was, seemingly, the only company that constantly got to go out on a weeknight. Golf Company, 40th BSLC- we got a total of 8 nights-off. Echo Company, 40th ASLC- I actually lost count of the number of times we got to go out because after awhile, the novelty was thoroughly worn out. No other companies could understand why we got to go out so often. The first thing that comes to their mind when they hear about us can be aptly summed up in a single word- slack! What I would give to let them know how "slack" we all really were. I suppose its to substitute for what we truly are as a result of their envy. How I, along with the rest of my company, would actually think of ourselves are efficient and competent.

I still remember the incident when I was shoved the appointment of LSM(Leader Sergeant Major). In simple terms, I was the Company IC. I was the LSM for the longest time possible! All in all, including the block leave that we had during the week where NDP 2006 fell, I was the LSM for a total of 3 weeks. Normally, one would only hold the post for a few days, maybe a week max! I could only think of 2 reasons why I was one for 3 weeks. 1) They forgot about me. 2) They really wanted to test me.

Well, it was the latter reason, I guess I had failed big time since I got one hell of a scolding for failing to move out on time. All this thanks to a certain Bravo Company which took their own sweet time in handing over the stores. Apparently, my delegation skills were not up to standard. So yup, that was one hell of day for me which led to me requesting to resign from that appointment.

That was that. What made me think about that place even more was the June of 2007 where I spent 5 weeks in that place to complete my platoon sergeant course. That was sweet. It's erm...really sweet I suppose.

Well, I'm not sure where or what I am getting at here but it seems like the Zzzz monster has gotten a grip on me. And since this is not going anywhere, maybe I should just stop here.

I drag myself through the dirt just to feel a little closer to the ground

This semester has just by rather quickly. It's just a weekend more before the exams and I am glad (or rather the lack of it) that I am not prepared for it! Yet, as usual, I tend not to panic when the crisis seems great. The greater the crisis, the calmer I get. Thanks Uncle Sam and friends!

On another note, I guess I've finally figured the song that I'll hear when I am about to die. It sure has a very calming effect on me for some strange reason. Perhaps that will be the song that I will hear when the angle of death comes around to claim my soul. Well, never was mine to begin with.

I never really quite know what to write about today. Guess, it's just a filler post else people might think that I have gone inactive. Well, guess not. This is very typical of me- being extremely random. The fun part of it all is the spontaneity that one gets to enjoy. Most of the time, I am the one who enjoys it but people do get tagged along for the ride.

I have always experienced a great deal of freedom in my life. My parents never really did care where I go as long as I am safe. The keywords there are never really did care precisely because they know that I am fully capable of taking care of myself- others even. Sure they do worry but their faith in me supersedes all worries.

Guess not everyone is able to accept that for so many years in my life, I have lived a life of freedom. Before having any girlfriends, I used to keep laughing at my friends who have to constantly report to their girlfriends about their whereabouts. And I used to enjoy that a lot. But things in the past few years have been rather different. Now, I get to laugh at myself for losing that sense of freeness to do whatever I want, whenever I want. It's kinda like what a friend once told me, "I do what I like and I like what I do". God bless him and hopefully he passes the course.

I always get reminded of this joke whenever I think about this sort of thing (and I really think a lot about it). The only women how knows where her husband is every night is known as a widow. For those who did not catch that, THAT was the joke. Perhaps my sentence structuring or rather the complete lack of any proper structure contributed a lot to that.

Perhaps, what I have shared with some might help? If it was forgotten, this was what I have shared,

Flying a kite is a lot like how you are with people. You can't force someone to do something. It just like how you'd run trying to fly the kite- it never really goes up. And getting it to soar up high, there has to be some pulling and letting go.

But I guess that's not a very good measure since not a lot of people knows how to fly kites. I guess you can all take it in your strides. I'm not forcing down anything down your throat just thought that I could share something that my mind has randomly thought of.

And now I sound so formal =[

Find my way back..

With a lot of task at hand, I've decided to do the one thing that I shouldn't be doing...bitch about them all.

The past couple of weeks have indeed been a whirl. Thanks to my injury, surgery and recovery, I have a lot of catching up to do. Knowing how much I procrastinate, the workload just keeps piling up. Besides academics, rugby stuff have been keeping occupied too. The biggest casualty in all of this is my sleep. Well, I guess heavy doses of painkillers during the two weeks plus off of school has somewhat accumulate the amount of sleep I need to sustain myself. Then again, it could have been that I was paying back the sleep debt that I owed. What am I saying here?

Good news is that the knee has been getting better. So far, I have been recovering at miraculous speed. So miraculous that it's ridiculously impossible. I was off the crutches by 2 weeks and off my braces by the 4th week. Hell, I was able to ride my bike again by the third week when my physio-friend told me that it'll take me at least 2 months before I could ride again.

But like all things, I guess the injury was meant to happen for a reason. Firstly, my mom was happy that I was finally staying at home a lot more than I usually do. By usually do it means that I'd only come home at night after a full day at school and leave early in the morning. It seems like I am treating the home more like a hotel than anything else. Although my mom has never actually said that, I could somehow sense it. But yeah, it was the first time I was really at home. So when I actually got off the crutches, I could somehow sense some disappointment from her. It's really just too bad that my house isn't the most conducive place to get any work done. Guess, that's one more reason to get a room in hall for next semester.

But on the bright side (supposedly), I am back to being able to earn some mullahs for myself. Coaching certainly needs me to be physically-abled. Although I am not fully there yet, being able to walk is enough for now. 2 more months before I am able to do any running. 1 more month to swimming. 5 more months for me be get back onto the pitch. My pair of Nikes are currently rotting away in some obscure part of the house. Don't worry baby, in 5 more months, you and me, we're going to be tearing up the pitch once more. I can still remember the date that I last wore my pair of Nikes- 29th of January 2011. That's the fateful day which I tore my ACL. The physio was so insistent that I didn't since I didn't cry like what most people. Getting dished out with punches and kicks since the age of 9 has probably increased my tolerance for pain at an insanely high level. Army training chipped in abit to. So yeah, I didn't cry...but that's because my whole leg numbed out immediately afterwards.

The best part of it all, when I came back for my first post-op physiotherapy, I was told that I didn't look as though I actually underwent surgery since I look so fresh. For a moment there, it hit me that they could have just knocked me out, pretend to do surgery on me before I woke up and all. That's a load of crap but I guess that was the reaction that I had since my physio commented on how fresh I look. Then again, it could have been because I just showered not too long ago.

8 more months before I can really get back on my own feet and doing what I love the most- Rugby. Shall patiently (as much as I possibly can) get there.

All Signs Points to Lauderdale

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in
2,3,4!

Remember when I tried
I'd never strayed too far from you
Forever by your side
No matter what I was going through
But now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me
Guess I'm what's always wrong

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town

Cause no one can understand,
I just can't be tied down
Nothing comes between me and my plans
So now I never know the things to say to you
That help me prove that I'm still on your side
I never show just what you do to me
Guess I'm what's always wrong

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town

Won't let a world gone mad ever bring me down
Gave everything I had to turn it back around
Cause our time's worth something
Bigger than both you and me
I can't live my life always backing down
I gotta do this right so they can't make a sound
Cause I'm not here for nothing
Least I can say I stand for something

You and me we stand for something

I hate this town, it's so washed up
And all my friends don't give a fuck
They'll tell me that it's just bad luck
When will I find where I fit in

And don't believe a word they're telling to you
Don't believe a word they're telling to you
They let me down
When will I find where I fit in
I hate this town...


IF there's any song that speaks volumes to/about me right now, it would have to be this one. With recovery in mind, I just can't wait to get it over and done with. Seriously. The doctor/surgeon was surprised to see how fast I am recovering. 2 weeks after the operation and I am off the crutches. Usually, it'd take someone about a month. My friend who suffered the same injury as I did took about 5 weeks to finally get off crutches. But I guess that's because he's a pretty huge guy so that might probably be the case.

To top that op, I am also able to ride my bike again. Though it'll hurt to begin with, it'll eventually go numb and I'll only be in great discomfort once I have to put my right leg down again. My mom isn't stopping with the name calling but I guess I'll let her have her fun for now.

9 months to full recovery. I have yet to pass the first month. It's been only 2 weeks. A lot can happen in 9 months. Meanwhile, I'm going to religiously stick to my gym routine to get back the strength that was in my leg before.

I guess some people don't get it. I exist to prove the naysayers otherwise. Life has an added flavour like that.

Deprive someone to begin any sense of appreciation of things

How to be now

World without crutches is one which is way much better than anything else. For me, walking has a much different flavour now. To many, this is insignificant but for those who have went through what I am going through right now, they'd understand.

So far, I have been called many different names. My mom has lovingly called me robocop. Friends have called me stone cold. Some stranger called me the 6 Million dollar man. How wonderful.

unconscious reality

Im taking another pill just to fall asleep...

It's been a week since the operation and progress has not been quick as expected. I am virtually imprisoned in my own home thanks to a knee injury which (obviously) I didn't ask for but was given anyway. It's kind of like experience- you get it when you don't need it. So day in and day out, I wake up, take my medications, do my exercise regimes (which have been reduced embarrassingly to a few movements to strengthen the knee), watch tv, play games maybe and go about my day doing the same thing over and over again.

Showering and doing other necessities have become less of a chore but nonetheless still one albeit i am getting used to it somehow. I have to or else i'd be so shabby that I would actually smell of shit and pee. A few more years like that and I'd be the weird man who owns a cat. Nobody will even remember my name after that.

Tonight's conversation(what seems like it) has make me out to be someone who's demanding, self-centered and inconsiderate. Well, as always, I need to forsake mine to consider others because mine doesn't matter at all. This community before self catchline is really catching on(else it wouldn't be known as a catchline to begin with). So amidst the things that I have never blame others for but to suck it up and move on, I got one hell of a beating tonight. Again, I shall just suck it up and move along.

I miss being able to move about freely and do things as and when I want to. If it wasn't for this condition of the leg of mine, I would still be able to do all that without having people to bother so much about it. I hate that feeling...having to bog down others for my own needs. Well, I cannot wait for the day the doctor tells me that I don't need the damn crutches anymore! The only way the doctor can top that is to tell me that I have fully recovered!

Right now, everything is back to basics. At the age of 24, I am learning how to walk all over again. The last time I ever remembered doing such a thing was more than 20 years ago. It's frustrating and even the smallest of things can really bring you down. At the same time, the smallest of things can also overwhelm you with a sense of elation. So its really a give and take thing I suppose.

we really need to learn to say "oh what the hell" in life sometimes

Still Learning how to roll with the punches

Waking up to a call by my brother that he's in an accident isn't the kind of thing one expects to hear early in the morning. Somehow, in my gut, I knew this kind of thing was going to happen. Thankfully, it was nothing major and he should be on the way to the bike shop any time soon. Seems like only a couple of weeks back my friend got into an accident. I don't know why people I know always get into an accident. The only accident I got into so far was at a stupid carpark after a stupid fight of which I stupidly went to look for that person to make up for things. Spent the next few days with a testicle the size of a Fuji apple but after which, I was up and running again.

I guess the secret to riding you bike safely is to go fast. Real fast! Safety through speed. I know this sounds kind of warped but my logic is this, the lesser time you spend on the road, the lesser the chances of you getting into an accident. That translates you into going fast. But then, there will always be the whitebikerboys trying to catch you for speeding saying that it's dangerous and all. Well, truth be told, they too ride fast when they're off duty. So it's kind of ironic isn't it? The best crooks in the world are those who are actually enforcing the law.

But then, with great speed comes great responsibility. This being that if you have absolutely no skill for it, chances of you wiping out is a definite! And plus, this only applies for bikes, cars, lorries and other vehicles do no apply here! Bikes are always at the losing end of things so some flexibility in the law should be exercised here. Period!

Anyway, it's been 4 days after the operation and I think I'm getting the hang of things. With crutches and all, the easy things becomes hard, the hard things becomes impossible. Even showering is a chore now. But thank god for almighty painkillers, I am able to get through my day smoothly. In this condition, the rain has officially become my enemy as wet surfaces could only mean I would definitely slip and that is something I wouldn't want to experience- especially in the disabled state that I am in.

Well, work can only pile up and medication can only make me drowsy. Maybe I should be asking for extensions. We will see how it goes.

6 months to recovery and I am only in the 4th day of the first month. Hurrah!

Livin' on a prayer

Dear god,

What is that you really want of me? You've been giving me one misfortune after another. It's been so many years now. Couldn't you just give me a break for once? I mean, if there's something that I really have to do in order for all that nonsense to stop, tell me and I'll fulfill it.

As if the great misfortune that you have given me which will leave me permanently disabled to a great extent isn't enough, you've been slowly rolling them out to me. I've been taught before that you put people through this as a test. Fair enough..but how do i pass? My future, the one that I have been dreaming about right now is certainly gone. Right now, all I can have is just a life of contentment. Then again, isn't that the life of mediocrity? I know you know me and by that I don't like to get by by just doing enough. I want to do more. To a certain extent that is selfish of me but you know me the best so you know why I want to do all those.

Are there many more to come? Could I be given any signs of warning please? You've been pushing me past my breaking point so many times already. But then, with what little fight I have within me, I've stood up against. Are you trying to prepare me for something? If so, what is it?

Give me a sign...now please.

Over My Head

Another night in school. It seems like I can only be productive late into the night. Well, I suppose that getting a place in hall for the last two semesters of my miserable undergraduate life can only be convenient. Although..the new definition of convenient does bug me a lot. In case you don't know, look at the root word being "con" which can only mean that its bluffing you to think that everything is easy when on the hindsight, it's a lot harder than you can only imagine. I love the new definition of convenient. Well, I suppose this goes for a lot of words which starts with c-o-n.

Why am I saying so? Well, I'd have to part with at least $200 more every month on top of the current expenditures that I have to budget myself to. Bike, bills and soon, recovery products. But money can always be earned somehow somewhere.

Speaking of which, I somehow experienced an epiphany yesterday whilst walking to Mcdonalds to get myself an Orea Mcflurry. Yum Yum! So yeah, I realized maybe what I actually want to be is a philanthropist. How I'm going to get there is a different story altogether because as of this moment I still am pretty much clueless about it. Perhaps, the lawyer thing might work? Then I might just be a corporate lawyer or something like that so that I can screw the rich of their money and then give it to the poor. Serves them right for not knowing how to share. Kind of like a modern day Robin Hood. I wonder if any of those still exist today.

As a kid, I've had a lot of heroes that I look up to. From those coming from fairy tales, to cartoons, kid shows (neither The Tellytubbies nor Barney or anything stupid made it into my list) and also actual live people have become my hero. Ghandi, I'm sorry, what you did was amazing, but you just didn't make it. Why? Well, you got shot! I don't want to get shot. It sucks and it hurts like hell. Don't ask me how I know this but yeah...it burnsssssssssssss!!

I guess I'm back to writing grammatically incorrect but who cares? Well, if I didn't I wouldn't have said such a thing right? And so the chicken and the egg question comes to mind. Who came first? Not me.

Maybe someday, somehow, someone or something might provide me with the guidance that I need to fulfill this dream of mind. Right now, it all seems like one big fantasy. Hopefully, I'll get there.

There is no delight in owning anything unshared

Tell Me I'm A Wreck

The days have been passing past me rather quickly. Everything has been touch n' go for me. Haven't really had the time to actually sit down and absorb everything properly. Well, the break from having no training session has provided me with some respite to get some work done. Alas.....

I can still vividly remember the incident at North Vista when I was just about the ride off. This 10 year old kid, who can't decide to either call me coach, Mr.Fadzil or cher, tried to scare me by telling me videos of motorbike accidents he saw on YouTube. To top that, he just laughed his way out of the school gate after I asked him if he was trying to scare me! He even had the nerve to say yes. Well done kids!

Wow, didn't realize how old it made me feel just to say that! On another note, kids at my Mendaki class kept saying how I'd look like someone they knew or have seen before. So far, I have been compared to their past teacher, their uncle, grandfather, a cleaner, a hawker and even some banglah. Just last weekend, they kept insisting that I was a drug addict just because I didn't shave and was very sleep deprived. I'm just thankful they haven't associated me to some feminine figures in their lives just yet. Maybe they eventually will since they're running low on the male figures.

Well, just last week, I had to make one of the hardest decision in my life thus far. One of the hardest meaning there might be a few others just that this one is just as comparable as the others. Try telling half the team that they most likely won't be playing this season. Doesn't sound too hard does it? Well, killing someone's hope is worst than to kill them outrightly. I actually saw the fire in their eyes go out. But I guess there's always a way to work around the system. We will see how it goes.

Well, it was truly disappoint that it was this sunny yesterday. Else, I would have gotten awesome shots of magic hour at my secret spot. Guess, I just have to be contented with the ones I have gotten so far.

I guess you never knew me at all

Life stories

Reading past entries from my own blog has been somewhat nostalgic. From an 18 year old who worked in Delifrance while waiting to enlistment, to 2 awesome years of my life, my first 2 years of undergraduate life till now. All that stories have been quite a memory as I journey in life.

All my other posts have been about things that are too abstract for me to even comprehend and write them out even logically. So now, I'm going to give an update on myself for the past 2 months of this year.

I've recently took up a coaching assignment at some primary school. Thinking it was somewhere in Woodlands, I gleefully accepted it thinking its one of those rugby schools. Only to my horror, North Vista isn't in Woodlands after all! Damn...and to think it was since Northbrooks and North View are all in the vicinity. What a bummer! So yes, once a week, I have to vroom vroom all the way to Sengkang just to conduct an hour and a half session of rugby to kids who only care about if they can go to the canteen to buy drinks during their water breaks.

Another big issue which I have been incessantly talking about is this knee injury. In the first few days of getting it, walking alone is a momentous event! Right now, I can walk fine with a bit of pain every now and then. Running is still a no-go for me because the last time I tried, I just collapsed under my own weight. Mind you, I've since lost 4kg after the injury. Well, 4kg worth of muscles lost only to be compensated by an ever growing tummy. Soon, I'll be one prepared rider who carries a spare tire around me so I'll never have to worry if my bike's tire ever go bust.

Assignments have been piling up as they should be. It is my third year after all and taking 2 400-level modules certainly is a drain to all my mojos. In order to add salt to the injury, having people in my group who certainly does not know how to contribute is certainly a pain in the ass. I have never knew anyone who could be so despised so much. To think that I've already found that out a couple of years back was simply too quick for me. I should have just waited. Well, this could only extend my shit list. If I was some triad boss or something, this shit list will get its weekly cleansing.

The Quad-University season is going to start this coming week. The only sad thing about it is that I don't get to play it for the last time with people I've been playing with for the last 2 years of my University rugby life. Before this, I've never ever got the chance to play with such awesome players. It's just very sad that I have to sit out this year. Well, let's see what the MRI will show this Tuesday. Soon, Project Awesome will commence as soon as I've gone through with the surgery. Recovering is going to be a bitch as I have to relearn how to walk. But who knows? I might be able to run much faster after this. Life has a funny way of showing you how things will eventually turn out for the better. Let's see that theory put to work.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint

Even after all these years, I have yet to figure out this question.

"Why do we fight?"

With just a few more hours till the stroke of midnight, I begin to wonder the notion of love. What is love? Is it an emotion? Is it some sort of a theory? Is it something we create to justify certain acts that we carry out?

Perhaps, a joke to sort of lighten the moment here might help...
Q: What does "making love" mean?
A: It is something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

I did say perhaps and sort of didn't I?

Jokes aside, love has been the limelight in our existence in this world. Without hate, there can be no love. Without love there can be no hate in this world. Opposites exists and the only thing that we can do about it's existence is not to just deal with it but to embrace it. Only by embracing it can we truly understand the power of such a concept/notion/theory. After all, how many times have us men heard this line," Women- can't live without them, can't live with them either"? It's been repeated over and over again- made cheesy by all forms of entertainment.

Wars have been fought for such a notion. At the same time, all forms of violence have also been resolved when all forms of amnesty have been exhausted only to be replaced by the notion of love. World War 1, World War 2, Cold War and all other wars ancient to us were fought because of this thing called love or the lack of it. That statement is arguable. Even amidst any clashing, there is love going on. It is found in the form of continuum of which many of us can only identify as the lacking of love. We fail to see the hindsight of it all that violence is possibly love on the hindsight of things. Here, I cannot fail to express myself in the only way that why being a solider(of some sort) means a lot to me. It comes in the form of this, "People sleep peaceably at night because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf".

Right now, you must be thinking, "How is this suitable for the 14th of February?!" Well, since we ARE celebrating valentine's day, let's recap why we are.
1) St Valentine died on this day.
2) He died a martyr.
3) It is a celebration of love in its highest form- sacrifice.

So right here, sacrifice is what we are really celebrating. Not a day goes by without us doing something and not having to lose something else just to do that. Truth is, we are limited in all that we do. Economists have long identified the idea of scarcity. Right now, the only resource all of us equally have would be time. However, that too has it's own form of scarcity. Time spent working meaning time lost with your love ones. Time spent with your love ones meaning time lost for doing things that you love...unless of course you share the same interests with your love ones.

I am going all over the place with this one. Many of you would agree that I barely touch on something before going onto something else. But I am sure you do get a picture of this? No? Well, too bad because all I want to do here is to engage your thoughts....and I have a major assignment to finish by tonight.

Perhaps I will write again here once I have some more time or maybe a face-to-face conversation would do some good. Spontaneity is the mother of all mothers after all. But for now, I shall leave with something which I find highly relevant to celebrate this very day.

Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

It is somehow incomplete here. Couldn't find the rest of it but I think it finishes of something like this...

You make love because you have to make love work...

And so I've officially turned 24. I wonder if there's anything worth mentioning about the past 24 years of my life. No, I'm not being emo about anything here. But if there's anything worth mentioning about the past 24 years, it'd be the people that I'm surrounded with, the ones who I've met along the way. If I was to relive the last 24 years of my life, those people would be damn worth it to cross paths into once more. If I was to do everything again, I'd be more than happy to bump into them anytime.

I can't believe school's still showing some kind of life at this hour. I am not sure if a couple looking at a laptop screen considers as studying but they are here anyway.

Well, the knee is not getting any better. With the help of a knee guard, everything seems fine. But when I do take it off, reality sets in. NUH isn't helping much either with an MRI appointment being so godddamn far away. I should probably give them a call soon and probably ask for a change of hospital if they are not going to speed things up. But then, I procrastinate.

Seeing how my team is in dire need of my skills and not being able to do anything about it is definitely the epitome of helplessness. I hate feeling helpless. Its the kind of feeling you get when you know that you definitely have the necessary to do something about it but then, there's just his one whole mountain of an obstacle that's preventing you to do that. Your heart sinks whenever that happens. And right now, that mountain happens to be my knee. Though it doesn't hurt as much anymore(probably because the swelling has gone down significantly), it does feel week, hollow even. An attempt to jog a little just so that I can get across the field faster a couple of days back provided with enough justification that my ligaments have indeed been torn. I need an operation quick! The quicker it's done, the sooner my recovery process can begin. Damn hospital!

Stoning away in front of the laptop, I was suddenly reminded of an incident which happened sometime last month. I accompanied the girlfriend for a threading session at Yishun after a session of lousy sushi for lunch. It was so lousy, it should be called shishi instead of sushi! Anyway, seeing that the place was rather crowded inside with the threaders(is that what they're called?) busy attending to other customers, we had to wait outside with me cursing under my breath because it only meant that I couldn't sneak away for a puff. Me being the potty mouth decided to make unnecessary remarks about the people inside. They ranged from how- this lady cut cue because she just entered the place even though we thought we had sort of formed a queue by sitting at the benches outside the place- to- me asking why is there a fat man inside getting his brows done only to be told that it was actually a lady...a fat one to add. I even made fun of the threaders because of how their head movement was like when they were doing the threading and promptly labelled them as nu-skul headbangers because they were constantly rocking their head backwards instead of the traditional forwards. This of course, was under the muted sound of my breath.

After more than 10 minutes of my pleasant running commentary, I was told that they could hear me of which I curtly rebutted seeing how the place was airconditioned which meant the place was sealed up. After another 5 minutes (perhaps more) of my commentary, I finally realized why I could feel the aircon from where I was sitting...I spotted a huge gap between the glass door and the glass see-through panel! Of which, she just laughed at me and went it. She came out less than 5 minutes later (just 2 puffs later to add to that) telling me how she had to profusely apologize for my kind words after she was told, "Oh! Your boyfriend is making fun of us is it?" Well, besides the angry stares that she got from the other customers (out of whom I was told that I insulted but honestly, I was just making factual comments), she actually got to go before the lady who "cut the queue". Well, maybe that's because when she entered the place, a big, "EH! Why is she cutting the queue? Can't she see that you're queuing up??"

I am beginning to think that behind all that embarrassment one can get just being around me, there are benefits as well. But, it's just me justifying myself.

Never say anything to hurt anyone.
I was always told not to lie (:

A trip to see a specialist only confirmed the worst. There is indeed a tear in the ACL and possible the meniscus as well. This means that I can't pivot my right leg without it hurting like hell and I can't fully bend my knee thus that limited range of motion.

How fucked up can things get? Well, 2011 is an odd year. It's supposed to be a good year. How did it start? It started with non-stop raining and now this. 2 negatives are supposed to make a positive. Let's see the outcome of all this. Probably they'd turn me into a cyborg or something. But that's is just fictional nonsense; ones you can probably find on Cartoon Network or Disney Channel. Nickalodean is safe because it's Spongebob's home.

I can't believe I am turning 24 in a few days time. I feel so old already. The fact that I am limping around right now is kinda rubbing some salt into the wound. Girlfriend is planning something big. I can smell it! But being the easy-going person I am (that's how the doctor characterized me), I shall go with the flow.

Watching TV a couple of days ago, I struggled at the fact that I can never go back to being 14, 17 or even 19. Those were the best years of my life thus far. And this reminded me of something from the Movie: Radio Flyer. I bet nobody really knows that such a movie exists. But something that really struck a chord with me are the seven lost secret fascinations and abilities as we grow older.

1) Animals can talk
2) Your favorite blanket is woven from a fabric so mighty, that once pulled over your head, it becomes an impenetrable force
3) Nothing is too heavy to life with the aid of your cape
4) Your hand, held forefinger out and thump up, actually fires bullets
5) Jumping from any height with an umbrella is completely safe
6) Monsters exist and can be both seen and done battle with
7) Most special and regrettable loss of all: The ability to fly

(RADIO FLYER, 1992)

The start of the semester wasn't exactly what I've envisaged. As if having it pouring all week long wasn't enough God decided that I needed another punishment. The rain meant that friendly matches that I've co-organized had to be cancelled causing frustration to both parties. Not only that, it frustrated me further to know that I am not able to hold training sessions which means that whatever progress that I was looking forward to has been impeded. Right now, I have very little faith in my own judgement thanks to forces that are beyond my control. Oxymoron much? Perhaps. But that's because I've lived my life with the principle that everything can be controlled. Well, external forces, ones far more powerful that I am or will ever be have other plans in mind.

To add to this misery, I just had to sustain a knee injury during a game for my club. The whole thing happened in a blink of an eye. Heavy guy fell down on my leg in a position that is far too awkward for any ligaments or tendon to stay undamaged. Thankfully, me screaming at the top of my lung stopped everyone in their tracks for if they didn't, I was certain that I would have been trampled upon by guys who are of more than 100kg in weight individually. I didn't dare to look down to see what had happened to my leg for fear of seeing that it has been detached or even a fracture. I've overly dramatize the whole situation but that was what ran through my mind at that time..thinking of the worst that could have happened. Thankfully, everything is intact- superficially that is. All I felt was this numbing sensation that ,thankfully, God has built our bodies to be of certain manner when faced with such situations.

Right now, all I can do is to limp my way around with the help of powerful painkillers. Sleeping on the night I've sustained that injury was a sleepless one as when I turned it my sleep, I would be awakened by the sudden sheer pain. Trying to fall asleep in such a weird and conformable position was particularly hard. If it wasn't for the drowsiness that came with the medications, that night would have been a sleepless one.

Till now, I still have no idea the extent of this injury. All I know is that there is no fracture as confirmed by an X-Ray test earlier. Thankfully, Fahmy managed to slot me in for an appointment with his sports physician tomorrow. Else, I would have to wait till the 21st of March just to get an Orthopedics specialist's assessment. By then, any chance of me recovering just in time for the Quad-Unis would be nothing but just a wish.

I've no regrets about what happened last Saturday. Whatever happened was probably meant to happen anyway. All I can do right now is to look forward and recover the best I can. No point crying of spilled milk and it is certainly pointless to feel sorry for myself. I have a lot of people doing that for me already. My contribution to that department is unnecessary. I'm going to hope for the best and expect the worse from here on out.

As I lay in bed while waiting for the medication to take it's effect on me, I can't help but to wonder about how nice the past week has been for me. 2011 looks kinda good right now. Found a couple of new things to do; ones that I would have never thought I would actually do 10 years ago.

In a few days time, I'd be turning 24. I can't believe I'm actually going to be so old. I've had moments where I would literally stare into space during tuitions and I'd wonder what life has been for me so far for the past 23 years. Honestly, I can recollect anything more than 5 years ago without any difficulty. Guess I've been doing a lot lately.

Honestly, I was never a bike person. If you asked the 18 year old me, I would have told you that I just can't see myself riding. Driving yes but riding was definitly out of the picture. I still don't know what motivated me to pick up riding lessons but I did and 6 months later I was zipping around on my trusty Kawasaki. I can never forget the feeling of riding my own bike for the very first time. It was absolute freedom!

I can never see myself not having a bike. Despite people telling me how dangerous it is and all, I shall never give it up. I dare say it's the perfect substitute for flying. Unless you're flying off the bike that is...that's a different story altogether. So every now and then, I'd load up my iPod with whatever techno/club/trance/whateveritscalledbecauseicantreallybebotheredaboutit music and ride the Malaysian roads in the dead of the night. It's the kind of feeling that one gets when playing need for speed or burnout or midnight club. It's the exact replica! Except that when you total your ride, you are done for!

The girlfriend doesn't quite trust my riding skills though. This is the guy who got into an accident inside a carpark while doing something really stupid. Can't believe I spent that national day in the hospital. But a few days back, I got screamed at by the dear pillion by pulling a fast corner over some allegedly sandy part of the road near the barrage. This is the exact same guy who countersteered his way out of a skid. Ok...I know it sounds as though I am boasting or gloating here but i'm not. Really! All I'm saying is that I THE safest rider ever! I have this phenomenal gift of intuition along with a sharp mind to do an AOS in a matter of seconds. Ok, now I'm gloating. So sue me already.

In another part of the world, this captaincy gig is really taking a toll on me. I wish I could be that kind of person who could just move along if people wouldn't get on with the program. Instead, I am the neverleaveanymenbehind kind of person. Bummer! It's really draining on me just to gather up the full team for a proper session. The quad-Unis are just a month away and the attitde that I am getting is absolutely disheartening. God, if yours listening to me, I am really praying for a miracle here. Let's hope the game against acjc this Wednesday afternoon will be a good one. I am praying hard here.

I used to be a soldier who never loses his composure

I have never felt so tired in my life before. Well, that's just an exageration but I know that you know what I mean. It's been 6 days of pure intense rugby consisting of trainings from Monday till Thursday followed by a friendly match with the school team on Friday and a club match on Saturday. The latter's result had to be voided as the game was cancelled halfway through thanks (but no thanks) to the rain. All I got from that game was a bruised ego along with a bruised shoulder, a bump on the head, a knocked up knee and along with an extremely sore body. This isn't Sunday anymore, it's SOREday.

As if that isn't enough, work is also wearing down. 2 sessions of tuitioning today, one sessions of MTS yesterday and also Pizza delivery yesterday and later in the evenings. Come Wednesday, it'll be another sessions of MTS at my old secondary school in the evening. Soon, I'll have another coaching assignment in some school which I only hearing it's name for the first time. If you find these all very overwhelming, you're probably right- it IS! All I can say is that I am going through hell for a little piece of heaven. Hope that small little piece won't disappoint.

How my life is like right now mirrors everyone- albeit in a rather different way. We spend our lives going through hell just for that little piece of heaven which most of us calls retirement. Sadly, most of us will never get there. Bright side of it all is that we won't have to suffer the ails of old age. Well, at least that's what some of us prefer anyway. We can never truly do what we want to do in our lives. We are often tied down with nonsense such as responsibilities, obligations, mortgages, debts, bla bla bla. The list goes on. ITS NEVER ENDING!!!

It's sickening how we think how blessed we are when all we get is pummelled upon by things we need to do. The ratio of us getting pummelled by that versus getting levitated by things that we really want to do is dissapointing. So at the end of the day, all of us are living a lie.

I realize how pessimistic and morbid this all sounds. But then, not everyone can actually handle the truth. People can even get killed or detained for trying to show some light on things. So I am back to square one- what is the meaning of life?

If you have yet to watch Scott Pilgrim VS the World...well...you should. Life's a game. Play it well.

Watching Friday Night Lights again (the movie not the TV series), has instilled something within me. Something really important. Perhaps, I shall part you all with a quote from that movie that has really moved me to do something. Something about being perfect. Because being perfect means...

Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!


For my team, I need to be perfect. Somehow, it has got to work...

Spending the last 3 days of working has been really tiring. But nevertheless, with the company I'm having there, I did not regret working over the new year. Plus, I get paid just to sit inside the store when there's nothing to do but to eat, drink and basically hang out. What's there not to like.

Riding around, I have thought about the kind of jobs that I've had over the past years. Come to think of it, it's really quite a list. Because I have nothing better to do but to sit in front of the computer as I decide whether I should head to the gym or not, I think I'm going to list the jobs that I've worked as.

Grocery Store Helper (2001)
It was near Hari Raya and my dad's friend needed help at this store. So why not?

Door Salesman (2003)
Worst job in the world to take on especially when the "O" levels are just around the corner. Earned nothing from that damn job.

Construction Worker (2003)
My neighbor asked. I agreed. Spent a couple of days in the sewers. Awesome job!

Security Officer (2004)
Shitty job with shitty pay. Didn't know why I took it in the first place. Worked there for 11 days straight without any days off before I decided to quite because of the next job (:

Technician- Repairing TVs (2004-2005)
BEST JOB ION THE WORLD!! Basically, just travelling around the area and servicing people's tv.

Packer (2004)
Just packing stuff.

Waiter (2005-2006)
Talking to strangers have never been more interesting. Spilled soup all over the tray en route to the table on the first day.

Army (2006-2008)
Need I say more? Well, that was a "hump" where I didn't work but got paid to run, shoot, shout and fly around the world.

Relief Teacher (2008)
I basically get to screw around kids' minds and getting paid quite a bit for it.

Tutor (Present)
Easy money. Easy job.

Pizza Delivery (Present)
Shitty money. But I basically get to race around town on a Wave and the tips are like Katy Perry's Hot & Cold.

This didn't turn out to be as awesome as I thought it would be. Maybe I should get back to this when I have more ideas.

It's been such a long time since i've wrote anything on this space. I can't remember the last time since I've wrote anything. Havent had much luck in writing anything sensible partly perhaps due to the amount of reports that I had to do last semester and partly also because I've lost my muse. Where shall I begin?

Last semester was a total disaster. After facing fierce resistance towards my thoughts of taking a year off from studies, I had to simply soldier on with the remaining semesters of this damn university education. I can't really put a finger as to why I finally conceded to carrying on when I had no more motivation to do so. But a huge part of it can be factored to my parents- I don't want to disappoint them. Even though they have never emphasized on how much importance this studying thing is, I can tell that somehow they have their hopes pinned down on me. Being the first to ever reach this level in my ENTIRE family, it does provide a bit of a pressure for me to actually perform. Well, NTU has provided me with a sense of relief as I found out that I am able to graduate a semester earlier than my peers. But as of any major milestones of my academic track has provided with, I find myself asking the same question all over again, "What's next?" So far, all I have received would be more blanks and even more questions that I ask myself. I cannot ask any of my family members that question because at the level I am at, they too are dumbfounded. If only I was born into a smarter family...

2010 has been sort of an interesting year. Started out with me getting dumped for good. Guess that will forever be seared in my mind; not that I have yet to do anything about it. But it gets more interesting with me surprisingly being made captain of the team. Honestly, I have no idea on how to run a team at this level. I was aiming towards mediocricy, instead I was shoved with a whole load of greatness. Then I got reunited with someone special back from JC. However, that too had its own twist and turn to it. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I felt the pinge of betrayal from someone whom I have never thought would do such a thing. Just when you think you can actually trust somebody, the throw you a whole new ballgame that puts you back to square one. I dare say that 2010 is filled with setbacks...a lot more that one could have ever anticipated. Then again, I've always thought that even years were bad years. So much so for me hoping that 2010 would have been a good one. Guess I've struck out on luck.

However, it was not without its moments of beauty. As I have always said, if there were no solutions, then its not even a problem to begin with. Every problem has its solutions. Some of it might need a little bit more resiliance than others to reach for it but its there for sure. I have always been the sort of person who thinks with his heart but having a great deal of passion might work both positively as well as negatively. The year has been some sort of self-discovery for myself. Someone once told that if I cannot love myself first, no way in hell can others love me. There is a lot of truth in that provided that you do not fall deeply in love with yourself- that just plain vanity and it's just disgusting. Not that I am low on self-esteem or anything but that boosted it by a great deal.

Well, the year's coming to an end in just a few days time and nope, I'm not going to make any new year resolutions. I have never made any new year resolutions before and I am intending for things to remain that way. What I have with me is a life plan. Though I might fall short of things somehow somewhere, I'll make up for it soon enough. Let's just see how the days roll by and I'll just do what I do best- improvise.

SPARKLE MOTION

You can thank me, for finding out a way to turn back time.
See there's this ghost who's a friend of mine,
who always keeps me safe until I wake up and rise
from the heart of a shallow grave.

This philosophy is killing me,
still you're willing to stay while I go set the blaze
that's gonna kickstart a craze that gets my name placed
down in history for burning down his privacy.

Polish off your last glass, breathe out one last sigh,
and kiss your ass goodbye.
Get up and go, get up and go on with the show.
If you just stop trying, it'll come to you.
Get up and go, get up and go, give it a go.
When you've got to know, I guess I'll get up and go,
on with the show.

Give me a warning if it's called for,
I'll go plan our escape but there's no time to waste.
So keep those hips moving, moving side to side.
It'll make their eyes grow wide to keep them occupied.
Take it off like you know you should, I wouldn't give a damn if you said you never would.
Our heads are filled with the perfect tune,
so take my hand now, this will all be over soon.
Let the water hit your shoes, and pass over and over.

Polish off your last glass, breathe out one last sigh,
and kiss your ass goodbye.
Get up and go, get up and go on with the show.
If you just stop trying, it'll come to you.
Get up and go, get up and go, give it a go.
If you've got to know, I'm so over it.
If you just stop trying, it will come to you.
When you've got to know, I guess I'll get up and go,
on with the show.

BROKEN WINGS


Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone

On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
I'll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all I'll be


to what humanity has become...go ahead and click the title

Dear God,

Why are you doing all these to me? You know that I am not that strong. Ease up a little and let me find my way back home please?

Regards

School is slowly beginning to chip away my soul. What happened to the comfort that our teachers gave? "everything is going to be so much easier after your A levels" is a total lie. Okay...perhaps partially because we boys get to take a break for two years. National Saikang isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. Besides being confined for the weekdays and sometimes the weekend, I don't think there's nothing that I don't like about it. Although, I can hear a lot of people jumping on my defense and saying how wrong I am. But hey, to each his own. I got the good part while you're just unlucky to get it bad by being subordinated to people like me. Not like I'm a bad superior anyway.

So everyone's dying. Those who aren't, have nothing but school going on in their lives. That was an indirect way of me saying that they don't quite have a life. Hence, school is an incomplete package. Can you imagine what you're future employers are going to see when all they see on your resume is nothing but your so called excellent GPA? What about CCA? What about other things? TeeeeeeetTtt!! (im trying to emulate the sound of a buzzer there)

I'm supposed to be writing out my essays but so far, nothing coherent is coming to my mind. I hate writer's block. IF HDB was to actually build such a block, I'll shit at its lobby everyday and pee in the lift. In short, it'll be my toilet. By now, I'm pretty sure you get the idea but I just can't help to emphasize it because I cant seem to be able to write something coherent for the paper that's going to be graded.

I love bike rides. It gives me a peace of mind which then inspires me to write about a lot of things. But you see, that's the frustrating part. I can't note down these thoughts and no matter how hard I try to remember them, I would have probably forgotten about all of them when I finally get to park my bike. When that happens, comes to urge for me to get on again and ride. Well, you know what? I NEED OPEN ROADS!!! If it winds, It'll be so much better. Btw, it's winds as in winding not because I am grammatically illegitimate. Stop jumping on me guys. pffttt!!

So yes...I had fun today. The rain was merely a hump in a great day; so was the waiting time for each ride. Speaking of which, I hate a (dirty) joke. What does Viagra and roller-coasters have in common? You have to wait over an hour for 3 mins of fun. But other than that, I had a great time. Kinda reminds me why I'm still afraid of rollercoaster rides. YEs I AM! Is that supposed to be a revelation for you? Anyway, it's because I dont have any control. IT goes where it is supposed to go. That's what makes it so scary. I can't dictate when that initial dip(this is the scariest part by the way) will be and how the twists and turns will come about. SO there you go. (:

Bleargh!

I'm supposed to be doing my readings and all other nonsense but here i am writing out this nonsense. I guess, i'm very very selective about my nonsense.

Looking through my photos on FB, i guess I could see me slowly but sure transforming. Photos of me as a toddler that was posted up by my cousin kinda reminded me how all of us used to be young. Well, by that i mean't our parents too. When I look at how young my parents were then and how worn out they look now, I regret the times that I dont get to spend with them. With secondary school, it's because of them working. So I decided that I didn't want to stay at home too long because I stopped seeing the point of coming home to an empty house. So I picked up a lot of things to do with rugby making the bulk out of it.

That was 10 years ago. Now, I think im regretting the times that I don't get to spend with them: my family. True, one of the reasons why is that I am actually embarrased by their antics sometimes- with my mom speaking so loudly to us all that I guess the whole world knows what we are talking about( think lift with strangers in it plus my mom scolding my dad for being so slow :\)

I guess that's what make them them. They would talk so loudly that I suspect strangers think that me and my brothers must be deaf. And my dad, he just so chill about things. I've never seen him or heard him in a panic state before. Not even when I told him about an impending punishment that I might get for losing my "wife" over in Taiwan.

My parents have indeed make me who I am. Well, that said, I dare say that I have the best parents in the world- wouldn't trade them for anything at all.

Seeing how the times has worn them out...i feel a sense of sadness. They've never quite told me how they were like when they were young in whole- just bits and pieces here and there. But maybe because they were/are always so busy and all. But I wouldn't be who I am right now if it wasnt for them.

That said, I can sense some of you already thinking bad things about them for you think I have done something bad to you. Well..FUCK YOU! Things happen because they were meant to happen. No matter how much effort you put into things, it will never turn out the way you want it to be. Not even if you cry infront of others just to get their sympathy. To me, it's jsut an act of sucking up and that sucks- shows how parasitic your personality is like. Plus, to make others feel bad about their choice(even though its a good one), that's just as bad. Says a lot about you.

That out of the way, some parents are jsut so screwed up. They always think that what they're doing is right when it spells W-R-O-N-G. I get these people...they've committed so much mistakes in their past that nobody ever showed them what is right. It comes to a point that what they think is right is actually wrong.

Ah...i've lost my train of thought here and hell yeah did I digress here. Oh wells.

Cherish your youth, even when you're all wrinkly

It's been a damn long time since I've written anything here. The blame could probably be placed to the countless of writings that I have to do just to get that measly piece of paper halfway through 2012. Slowly but surely I am asking myself- Is this all worth it?

Life would surely be better off if I was on some faraway deserted island where all I do all day is relax, enjoy life and get served by beautiful servants (no dirty thoughts here please). I am sure somehow this fits into some of your very definition of paradise. Instead, what we all we want is to go through hell for a measly piece of heaven before ending up in hell for eternity.

I have a joke which sums up the point that I'm trying to get at here.
An investment banker was in a plane that crashed into the sea. He gets washed up onto an island which was had a small native population living on it. After he was nursed back to full health, he began to take notice of how the natives lived their lives. They did nothing all day but to laze around and occasionally fish for food and farmed just for sustenance. Nobody seems troubled as their life was that of lax. He thought to himself, "they could be so much better off if they did a lot more!"
So one day, he went up to the chief and started questioning him.
"Why is nobody really working here?" he asked.
"What for?" was the chief's reply.
"So that they can grow more food"
"What for?"
"So that you can export the food"
"What for?"
"So that you can make money for yourself!" the investment banker was getting annoyed at this point.
"What for?" the chief continued.
"So that you all can one day settle down peacefully on some tropical island and retire peacefully without any worries about the world"
"Isn't that what we're doing now?" came the chief's reply.

Each day, we are in pursuit of something...something that is intangible: happiness. We take that everything we do now is just a means to attain that. But slowly and surely, it chips away our soul bit by bit. Are we really happy in what we do? I guess the best way for any of us to love anything that we do is to do something which is an end in itself- like making money.

Fact is, I still have no idea why im here. I should have signed that damn paper 3 years ago and be part of ISAF by now. But, some some sheer carelessness, i opted out of it. Not a day goes by without me wondering about the "what ifs".

I guess, we live our lives thinking about the "what ifs". Each day is lived with us making choices. Having the chance to actually choose is what makes us all humans. While we may casually think that there are many options available for us all, fact is, at every second of our lives we are deciding whether to open door A or door B. There's only 2 choices for us. Only 2! Every other choice is basically the succession of the choice that we've made from the previous ones.

Time is a bitch on this one because it doesn't allow us to reverse on the choice that we make. It's constantly moving forward. But thankfully, with the blessings of ingenuity, us humans have been able to delay the effects of time- we are now allowed to move horizontally. Progression doesn't always take place vertically; it sometimes takes place horizontally. Like from JC to Poly kind of thing. It is still a progression. We choose exhaustively without thinking much of the consequences of our daily lives. We choose and choose until we hit a brick wall. If you hit one literally, then, go see a doctor for it because I'm talking analogically. Upon the confrontation with that brick wall, we then have the option of sliding sideways. It's a slim chance but the chance is there nontheless. It's like looking for a that hole with sunlight in a dark cave- you either go for it or you'll remain there in the dark. Either way, there has to be progression.

Consequences do come with each and every choice that we make. Right now, the choice that I've made to write this out has resulted in me not doing my readings or any of my reports. But it's a choice I've made and we live with the choices we make. In order for us to make "smarter" choices we have to gain that sense of maturity. Here, I define maturity as having a full sense of consequences from the choices that we make. We never make our choices blindly. How we choose has been shaped by the people around us, and also past events that has brought us to the point of life that we are at now.

Too bad, nobody realizes this- we actually live our lives in a big circle. Ever wondered as to why a certain point of our lives seems so familiar? We have a term for it: mid-life crisis. It's exactly the same point where we decide what to do with the rest of our lives. Think O levels or A levels. That period of time left you wondering, "what the hell should I do next?" But thankfully, during our youth, we have our family, friends and also our teachers to guide us. Try doing that at the age of 40. The only sources of guides that you'll have are: mortgage, your family and your kids' education. But we get by...by god we do. That's the amazing character of humans: our resilience.

Well, after that period, you think you're doing fine because you got by. Wait till 50 hits you and then 60. The sad thing about us all is that we are only temporary. We are temporary in other people's live. We are temporary at a place. We are only temporarily on earth. The constant being of temporariness.

Life starts with us jumping off a diving board aiming for a perfect entry into that small hole at the bottom. Many of us fall short and land on the sides of that small hole.

PERFECTION

Everyone is striving for this. To be perfect. To want everything to be perfect. It is a crime to ourselves if we fall short of being perfect. What does this word mean?

To many of us, it simply means getting everything correctly done. To others, it means nothing goes wrong. Its a half-full, half-empty kind of dialectic. It's a shame that we have turn our minds to an explaination so simple that we lose foresight of what this word really means.

"I am a perfectionist!"
Many of us proudly exclaim this fact and then deliberately ignore the "urgh!" faces that everyone around us makes. Some of us even suffer from violent spasms whenever we hear this and when we finally gain conscious, we find the perfectionist perfectly lying on the perfect floor with a perfect red mark which suspiciously has the same size as our palm on their face. Then again, you can always exclaim, "whoops! Im sorry! Im not perfect you see.."

Nobody has ever realized the true meaning of perfect. Here is a list of things that it really means.

Paranoia
We never ever want to get things wrong. When things go wrong, we panic! At best, we resign to fate which is good because we then realize that we can get everything to go our way (unless you're me of course). Because we want everything to go right (aka our way), we tend not to trust others so willingly. We end up doing all things ourselves and then scream in angst when we realize what we're really doing is digging a deeper hole (which is only good if you want to end up on the other side of the world aka China or NTU).

I mean, look at Hitler! He had a good thing going. He could have even stopped the Allied invasion dead in it's tracks in Normandy. Instead, his distrust in his Generals meant that they didn't have the capability to mobolize the Panzer reserves to unleash hell on the Allied attacks. They had to ask for his permission and even then, he'll only consider about it. By the time he approved of it all, the Allies were already in too deep. That fellow commited suicide just over a year later. He was a perfectionist!

Are you going to perfect everything that goes wrong? I guess, yes and no. Well, wanting things to be perfect isnt wrong. No wait, it actually is! You can never get perfection. What you want to strive for is greatness. Perfection is overated. And soon, perfectionists will be walloped by the anarchist who wants nothing to be in order (but that itself is a certain kind of social order).

All I am saying is that, don't be so bothered about every little thing that doesn't go according to your way. Two wrongs makes a right anyway. So, if you keep doing something and you think you're going the wrong way, just do it one more time and then you're sure to be on the right path soon enough.

Don't let wanting things to be perfect consume you. Perfection is in the others of how others see you. It's whether you are perfect to them or not. NEVER EVER compromise on your values and your traits. That's not being perfect, that's being accomodating. So unless you're a hotel or a hotel manager (even if its the kind found on Facebook), do yourself a favour and dont do that...it's just too insulting.

Prefects are certainly not perfect

If there's one way of describing how I feel now, it would be melanchonically angsty. I don't know how else to feel except this way. I guess, it borders between being sian and dulan. The week has been very hectic and the new job is rather demanding on the part of the managers. They're treating me as if I'm on a term break or something. Think I'll need to cut down on the working hours just so that I can finish my school work, work and not be so tired the next day that all I want to do is to sleep.

Time is never on my side. It's ever so fleeting which is painfully annoying. If I had just one or two hours more in a day, I think I'll be able to do so much more. Is there actually a way to slow things down so that I can actually get more done? If you know of such a way to do that, let me know. I'd really appreciate that. Imagine this, me being a blur to everyone while everyone else seems to be creeps(just because they move and creeping speed).

I know what I just blabbered about seems incoherent. I FEEL incoherent. Maybe even disconnected. It's like whatever is being taught in this semester doesn't make sense at all. Sure, I do go to classes and all but yeah, it's beginning to seem that it doesn't make a fucking difference whether I do or not; I come out still feeling clueless.

Yes yes, I can hear some of you sniggering away about me and my incompetence. Go ahead then. You might get far in what you're doing right now, but always remember- It was the tortoise that won the race.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself

I have been getting such weird dreams lately. They have been getting so weird lately that the realm of dreams and reality have been blurred into on big mess(or I should say?). Many have told me that dreams is the toy of the devil. Well, if so, I guess I am playing his game pretty well and perhaps, I am even outplaying him.

It came to a point that I was "shown" this particular phrase which I tried to record as closely as my memory permits.
We will always treasure the representatives of how each friendship begins and how it ensues. We will forever think about the friendships forged and when we think about what it was like before they were forged, we cringe.

That is as far as I can remember. Try googling it. I can't find it anywhere. Along with that, I have been "interacting" with different characters. It all makes it seem that I have a past life which I am trying so hard to forget but it keeps on haunting me. It is all making me seem that in my previous life, I was someone who kills and kills- but not for no reason. Perhaps that could explain my superior sense of protecting- of becoming a sheep dog, protecting the herd of sheep from the wolves.

All this is seemingly incoherent right now. But each time I retire, all questions that I have thought of either consciously or subconsciously gets answered. Sometimes, it's not even the ones that I wanted to be answered right away. But it's as though I am given revelations as to how things are like, was like and is going to be. Last night, I dreamt about how the world was going to end- it was so fucking scary.

I actually confided in my elder brother, one who I continually blame myself for he actually turned out(I shall share it with you if you ask. Im very selective who I share this with so be honored if I do). In him, I told him I was not ready to die. I told him that the angels require me to do a lot more good if I do not want to end up in hell because it seems like I was going to be there for all eternity. I told him that he has to help me hold back the angel of death just so that I can accomplish my goals that God has set out for me. In that sense, I told him that God has asked me to revert all that mankind has done to prevent Armageddon. It seems like it was possible.

I don't know, it all seems so real. I actually felt the fear. I actually felt the frustration. For the first time, I actually felt that I was given the truth about my existence.

Then again, perhaps I have been played too much by the devil into all this.

But then, the person whom i confided in was no other than my elder brother. The one person whom actually felt hurt by my own trait of wanting to do things on my own; of wanting to sort things out on my own. Honestly, I cry when I come to think of my family's demise. No, its not like I am wanting it to happen or else, why would I cry? It scares the hell out of me(too bad that doesn't get me to heaven)! I cannot imagine a time where they dont exist. Hmm..perhaps that was what it was meant by that phrase.

Who am I?

So Hot And You Sweat On It


I'm not a kid you would call a tradition.
And I don't give a fuck about the human condition.
Or regard warnings or lurking suspicions.
Of a life lead after dark.
I'm not one to think that half the suspense is.
Knowing what actions have consequences.
Or knowing what day in the week it really is.
Not that it ever mattered.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I got this thing it's called having a good time.
The only difference is that I don't rock sunshine.
Or a rainy day get away that always makes me stay in the same place.
So let me be candid.
I know you can't stand it.
When I push the subject and you push the rhythm of speech.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I'm stuck in a town that's not enough for me.
Don't tell me that it's easy.
Some say that I'm bad news but I got some news for you.
We live a life that nobody knows.
We're having fun and I'm sure that it really shows.
Obnoxiously and selfishly.
But we have our way of keeping ourselves busy.

I'm sure I'll see you around.
'Cause I don't get up until the sun is down.
So if you think that you can wait around.
I will be back to see you off in the morning.

I will be back to see you off in the morning

Says it all doesn't it? Click on the title to listen to it.

Sam's not turning out how I hope he would be. It seems like there's still a lot that needs to be done before I can even think of thinking of taking him out to stretch his legs along the North-South Highway. It's a bit ambitious (and pretentious to some) I know. But you only live once so what the hell right (I might even end up there too along with all of you! hahahaha! *evil laughter*)? But yeah, I've taught about it and one of the things I would like to do is to do a solo-ride worldwide- after which my butt will be as wide as the tires of my bike.

School isn't how I hope it'd turn out to be either. I don't know why this semester is very overwhelming. It seems like everything is a blur when I am rushing from point to point. Smoking, as it seems, is the only solace to put things clearly into perspective- everything slows down forcibly, nobody is really there to distract me or talk to me for that matter (yes yes, it stinks i know), and yes, you just sit there and take one drag after another AND most importantly, you need to have coffee by your side. That is the ultimate combination of the two stimulants. One simply cannot work without the other. Unless you substitute coffee for red bull that is..but it's just not quite the same.

I don't understand how people can contradict themselves so much. It's like being angry with someone for missing them so much. I must admit that I am one of those people who RARELY contradict myself(that is a very bias statement but then, this is a very bias blog so suck it). It's really strange- people. We are the only beings on this planet(or perhaps amongst the planets) who are wiling to kill another human being for the greater good. What is the greater good? Good is something that someone terms something because it benefits them. So, is it really the greater good? If so...who is it for?

Anyway, as you can see, i don't contradict. I just get distracted. So yes, that is one case in point. Another would be that they would tell you something but when you give your input (just a teeny weeny one), they'd change their entire point and make it seem like as though you were the one who actually came up with that original point. I can only be amused and flabbergasted at any attempts of a a recovery.

Krav Maga at $200 for 10 sessions doesn't sound too expensive does it? Well, we'll see how it goes. It'd be good for me since it's been such a long time ever since I did any fighting of any sort (legal or illegal). And yes, fighting with words is just like taking a satay stick and then pretend you're fencing. It is the epitome of being lame. Physical violence or being brutish is what shaped our world into what it is right now. Without war, there can be no peace. And from this prolonged peace, everyone gets restless so they try to pick fights. Take Iraq and Afghanistan for example. Poor bastards. Iran, you're next in the list just for building a nuclear reactor plant. LOL. It's like us getting attack by our neighbor just for building the new water plant and water desalination plant (which means we don't have to buy so much water anymore). The day that happens, I'd say that that will be a load of crap. But hey, at least I'd get a chance to fight (:

One, little two, little three, little...

Everyone should be trusted until they have proven themselves untrustworthy beyond reasonable doubt

IF you were to use this mantra while doing what I do, then I guess you're in for a big surprise. That line speaks volumes about you being so goddamn naive about everything- in this instance other people.

But yes, I do believe that there are good in people. It's just buried so deep within that they themselves believe that doing good would only result in the benefit of others and that they would gain nothing.

They would gain nothing... That phrase itself goes to show how much of a human being we human beings can be. But some do go out of the way to actually prove themselves untrustworthy(if there is no such word as this, there is now).

So yes, it is true that I don't trust easily. But it is a paradox in the sense that if I don't trust, I cant love(in any possible way that is). But to trust is to be vulnerable and if there's one thing I loath the most is the feeling of vulnerableness. Once bitten, twice shy. Enough is enough. But I guess these walls around me that I've built can be crumbled if one cares enough to take the pains to actually bring it tumbling down.

Although...I don't think it can actually tumble down. Ok ok..maybe not bring it tumbling down but to scale it and join me inside the walls that I've built. IT's like a castle or fortress. But with any design, there is a soft spot that once hit, you can actually penetrate through and get to me. Guess not everyone can or will notice that.

But with trust(or the lost of it), I suppose there is also redemption. No religion has stated that once you've sinned, you cannot be redeemed. WEll, not the ones that I know of anyway. SO i'm going to leave it as that..

A single lie can cloud a thousand truth

Life has been pretty WTF lately. Assignments and readings keep on piling and all that im doing with them is just shoving them aside(like what im doing now). Just wish that I had more time in a day so that I can actually get things done. Being an aggressive procrastinator does help either(go figure out how one does that). In other words, I procrastinate aggressively(like I said, go figure that one out).

Rugby has turned out to be a chore. With a coach that seems more like a magician(he should change his name to David Copperfield or something) than what he hired him to do(to coach obviously), I actually have to step up to the plate and train everyone. As a result, I don't get to train myself. How the fuck am I suppose to improve as a player really? It's not like I'm a rugby legend or something that I don't need the training. I seriously do need the training or else why do I actually bother to turn up at every session? FUBAR. Different year, same shit.

Well, the only good thing is that Im actually getting a new bike. Well, not exactly new; old bike new rider. Nevertheless Im quite excited even though that means that every month, I owe someone $120 for the next 3 years(someone being the shop). Well, at least I can afford it. Once I start working, time to aim big(literally). Yeah bebeh!!!

Pardon my rather erratic behavior. But I guess that's how the cookie crumbles. I suppose I have actually snapped. Awesome possum.

A leader is one who, out of madness or goodness, volunteers to take upon himself the woe of the people. There are few men so foolish, hence the erratic quality of leadership in the world