But if I ever lose my youth may be forgettable

What better way to reminisce about my ns stint than to do it with a pack of Marlboro Reds and a can of monster Alaskan style. Watching the movie, Ah Boys to Men, sure jolted feelings that I have long forgotten.

I still remember the day of my enlistment when my parents "abandoned" me- dad didnt want to go to the island and mom was too lazy to make the trip. Only my 2 cousins came along with me to see how Tekong was like. The first book-out wasn't quite a real one as it was for Good Friday. Plus, that Thursday was for an interview for a spot in NTU which I have somehow managed to drag myself through the 4 years. I still remember my first book out when buddies all have somebody waiting for them upon alighting from the bus while I, along with a few, simply headed straight for the train to make the long journey home. That aside, I still remember how proud I felt to be walking around in my uniform. But that pride didnt last very long as people moved away from us as we were deemed to be too smelly. I felt insulted.

I still remember how the movie somehow depicts what each and everyone of us went through- the personal stuff. It was a struggle for us all to adapt to that new life even if it was for a moment that would last 2 years. But moments like that sticks with us for the rest of our lives now matter how it may twist and turn.

The army life was an intended one. The plan was simple yet precise: sign on. Unfortunately, what was intended never happened. Right now, my life is an unintended one. I never intend to study sociology. I intended to study military science as well as psychology. I intended to take up a masters in international relations. I intended to make the army my career.

What happened instead was a series of unintended. Not that I can complain as to how life turned out for me. I got a decent job which pays out big bonuses. I've got a girl who loves me despite my nonsense. I saw life is pretty comforting right now despite it being the unintended one.

As for abandonment issues, I guess it's THE middle child syndrome. Everyone expects you to be able to take care of yourself no matter what. True I've lived up to everyone's expectations but being human, I do need the constant reassurance that I have somebody I can rely on, somebody I could fall back on should things go haywire. It's not easy to constantly be able to fix myself again but when the need arises, I am more than capable to do it. But to be taking that that I've stated is just a tremendously weary.

As for now, I have to live the unintended life. The only savior right now would be huishan. Guess if I had lived the intended life, I wouldn't have been able to meet her and have this life changing experience. So the fear is real.

Just because

Because I was so fucking pissed, I decided to lift twice my body weight. Because I decided to lift twice my body weight, my left shoulder came out and I sprained my left knee. Tonight, I've reached, my breaking point.

Those days go by and we all start again

I just saw the latest music video from The Offspring and realized how old they've gotten and in relation to that, how old I've gotten. It's this timely reminders that gets to me. Oh, for those who don't know, The Offsprings are an 80's Punk Rock band who made head lines, well, back in the 80's and 90's with songs that are politically, socially and basically, everything-ly motivated. They sang about anything and everything that you and I faced in our lives- just like how a good punk rock band should. And they were are still good!

Life at this moment is pretty much dreary. God knows how much I am hating life right now. Many a times do I look down from my corridor during my rare puffs at home and wonder how it is like to be dead right now. But then, I take another drag before putting it out and heading in. This is not the life that I dreamt of while growing up. It simply has no flavor to it. Everyday, it's just one routine after another. I missed how life was like when I was growing up at the age of 19.

I had always known that peace is only a temporary period between two conflicts. And during any conflict, life has a different meaning for them. For those who fight for it, life has a different flavor that the sheltered will never know. Right now, it's all too mundane, too safe. I do not crave for this life. Never did I know that once I am out of there, I would never experience such a thing ever again. I crave the danger, I crave the excitement. Nothing else has given me as much adrenaline rush, as much comfort, as it had when I was once in green.

Sure, everyday people tell me to move on. People tell me that that was just a phase of my life as a Singaporean son. But it felt more than that to me. It felt like life. The one that I was built for, the one that I was made for. Alas, its not meant to be. Perhaps this is what progress feels like- to be constantly shoved out out of our comfort zones.

For now, I really need that break. Nobody else needs that break more than I do. And it would be nice if I had it with chubs and no one else. That would be just perfect. Work is draining me. After every night shift, the slightest of things can simply tick me off that easily. So yes, I need to gain back my sanity; what's left of it anyway.

All your anger, all your hurt 
It doesn't matter in the end 
Those days go by and we all start again 
What you had and what you lost 
They're all memories in the wind 
Those days go by and we all start again 

Days gone by- The Offspring

He ain't gonna jump no more

It's hard trying to start something by yourself. It's even harder to continue by yourself. I guess that's why I value my time in the army so much. It's a bond like no other. We started out doing something with each other but end up doing everything for one another.

Perfection in silence

Despite being up all night from the graveyard shift and not enough sleep to recuperate from that, I am still wide awake in bed. The body is tired but the mind is still jogging around endlessly.

Lately, I can't help but to feel as though I'm making everybody's life miserable. This is especially so for the girlfriend. The way people talk us beginning to sound as though their lives would be so much better without me around. Through daily conversations, I'm beginning to feel like I'm nothing more than dead weight- I'm just holding them down.

Maybe everyone has been accustomed to me making their lives comfortable that they forgot what I actually went through just so that it can be that way. Inconvenience is something I strive not to cause someone. Maybe they didn't forget, maybe they just don't know.

Suffer in silence! That's what I have been taught all my life. Nobody really wants to know about your pains or anguish. It depresses them; it saddens them; it frustrates them when they can't think of anything to say or not sure of how to react. At the end of the day, all of us do not want to be associated to people like this. After all, everyone has their own sets of problems right? I have my own sets of problems that nobody wants to listen to so why should I listen to yours right?

We have all become so guarded in this sense; selfish even. The irony in all of these is that we humans are really social creatures. Even in isolation, we create that imaginary character whom we could interact with. I should know this because isolation comes easily to me- so I've resorted to talking to myself from time to time.

Being the social creatures we are, we are always seeking the approval of others- especially that of our loved ones. But then, there's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you.

And the end of the day, it is us who decides what it's going to be. I've stopped seeking the approval of others and I'm getting along just fine. Risk it. Being averse to risk is harmful on an epic proportion.

I believe in the sand beneath my toes

Work has taken quite a big role in my life. To be honest, I am not enjoying this part of my life. I am not doing what I love though it is similar in my aspects. But it is just that, similar, and nothing else.

But up to this day, I bet no one has probably hunkered down on the exact reason why I had wanted that job so much. Well, the main reason is because ill serve. Perhaps that's the biggest flaw that I have- to do things for the sake of others. It is a flaw because once that reason ceases to exist, then ill just go back to how I was.

This is like smoking or rather when I stopped smoking for the longest time ever right after I ORD-Ed. For quite spmetime, I had actually quit smoking because the ex-gf had asked me to. Then, one day, I caught her smoking because she got stressed out from her poly study-thingy. Hence, I cycled back into smoking again. But it does soon after only to come back again because my 22nd birthday was such a huge disappointment. By then, I felt that it was the only thing I can control about my life and it felt really good that it was something that I could do for myself. Herein lies the concept of wanting something for myself.

Now, chubs has given me a deadline to quite smoking. By the end of the year, I would have to downgrade myself to a social smoker. True that she wants the best for me but since I'm doing it for her, if there ever comes a time that she stops to be a reason for me not to smoke, then, the habit will just kick back in with a vengeance.

Then again, that's the thing with girls. They fell in love with the guy that they first met and then they try to change him. The guy, being a guy, would give in to those changes for her sake. But then, he becomes the person that she didn't fall in love with in the first place and it all ends.

This story has been heard so many times that it has sort of become the template for far too many breakups that happens when the girl dumps the guy.

Chubs is no exceptions. I still remember how she used to tell me that she would think that I'm around whenever she smells someone smoking the same kind of cigarettes as I do. Or times when she thinks its me passing by the house just because the bike sounds the same.

Aside from breakfast that we used to (and still do) share, she used to accompany me to smoking. Perhaps that was the x-factor among many others (x is the twenty-fourth letter in the alphabet so that means there are already 23 reasons before this) that attracted her to me.

Perhaps I do understand girls but I can never truly figure out why they are like that.

It's not about the puff; it's about the drag

Something's are just better off unknown/unseen/unnoticed/undiscovered.

Lately, I can't help but to feel like a shell of my former glory. There used to be so many things to look forward to. But as I progressed through life, dreams and hope just unravels itself from one disappointment to another. What I had hoped for, what I had dreamed for was never achieved. Perhaps it's the lack of drive from within. Perhaps it's the lack of support. One thing for sure is that I've been beaten by several external factors to the point that it is impossible to stand up again.

Age is catching up. At 25, I am already experiencing a mid-life crisis.

Because I've seen things that I don't believe

"Quaere verum" has probably applied to my life more than anything else. It's Latin for seek the truth. Right now at work, I feel like I'm just doing it for the money. For an entry level job, I dare say that the money is decent with a bonus that is so obscene that it's got everyone talking. Well, that "everyone" is mostly referring to those who didn't get the job. I'm actually quite surprised that there are those who didn't get this job. But anyway, I guess the only reason why I do keep going back to work is because it's something resembles what I went through in NS- aside from all the outfield exercises as what nots that is.

By now, I would have digressed so much that it doesn't even make sense why I had what I had in the first sentence. Just thought that i needed some update on myself since its been a very long time since I've written anything here.

Well, aren't we all seeking for the truth? Sometimes, the truth can be staring right in our faces but yet we deny it's existence especially because of what we have been exposed for as long as we have lived. The truth doesn't lie in facts- it lies on who tells them and how it is told. As a result, a blatant lie could also be a truth if told in a believable manner.

We humans have a funny way of dealing with things that are far too profound for our comprehension. And so we simplify it to small bites in which would not always do us any good. It's the convenience of thoughts that gets to us the most. Right now, if you were to think of what it would be like for us to not have existed, I bet that it would make you extremely agitated. I know I would because it has been so. People who have been locked up in pitch black for even an hour have been know to not come out being mentally sound anymore. I can attest to that. So can many others who can attest to me not being mentally sound as well.

Somebody once asked me this question, "what drives you?". I couldn't figure it out then but after an hour of blabbering about my experiences, it slowly dawned on me that it is actually anger that drives me. The need to proves others wrong has been as strong as my desire to seek the truth.

All my life, I've had people who keep telling me that I'll never amount to much. Well, right now, I think I have never quite amount to much but it's definitely a lot more that they can ever thought of. Perhaps this is the reason why I am strongly against the idea of becoming a teacher- I hate them for thinking so fucking lowly of me. Well, amongst all those who have thought me, only 2 have became an exception to the grudge that I hold- my sec 4 form teacher as well as my Fyp supervisor. Aside from teachers, I've been slowly proven a lot of people wrong, mainly family and friends. That's kind of one reason why I trust strangers more than people I know- because if they don't keep to their word, I'll just provide for them a retribution so nasty that they dare not think of not keeping to their word.

That aside, anger has been the primary driver all my life. It drives me. But it's not always good- especially when I can't do anything about things but to pent it all up. And when that happens, all it takes is just one trigger and that's when the whole firework will start. Sadly, nobody gets spared. The moment of oppression, of not being to express my thoughts or feelings or basically whatever is upsetting me is definitely not the way to remain in my good books. That's just how I am and that's just how things are.

But back to seeing the truth. We are always seeking the truth. Sometimes we find it; most of the time we think we have found it. Just because everyone else we know think that it is doesn't mean that we should too. Just as my late history teacher once told me, "cross reference EVERYTHING! History isn't just history- it is his-story. It matters who tells what happens because everyone will inject some sort of emotion into it just to make themselves look good". With that, I left JC with the desire to seek facts based on the many stories told by everyone.

Is everyone here make believe?

Maybe, I've been able to take care of everyone else so well that they forgot that I too need to be cared for. Perhaps I've been so reliable, so dependable that it scares the shit out of people whenever I seem helpless. Perhaps, I am seen to be able to take care of myself so well, that it is highly expected of me to do so to the point that any deviance from that, results in some catastrophe of epic proportions.

Fuck me.

To trust you must confess

All attempts to falling asleep has so far failed. Even going out for a couple of puffs hasn't quite helped in settling the nerves. I guess, as of late, I have been rather jittery. A lot has been going through my mind and hence, sleep hasn't come easily for me. Even if I do eventually find it, I'll end up waking up every now and then. Random thoughts sears through my mind each time I try to lay in slumber. Being who I am, and being trained to be what I was supposed to be, scenarios play through my head- possibilities are just endless. Such is the curse of a highly imaginative mind.

The thing about me is that trust does not come easily for me. I am not sure why; in fact, nobody is. Discussions with experts of the mind has yet to yield any conclusions. In fact, I have always found it to be a struggle to just trust what one tells me- that all changed until I met chubs. But that has changed much as doubts begin to fill me head- its worst once it fills one's heart. But faith has done its part in disproving a lot of the doubts that fills me.

As of now, work has kept me occupied. Thankfully, my job demands that I am to be present else Murphy's Law might just ruin my career. Career- never had I once thought that I would be in this line but I am. At least I now have something to work with. With any luck and the grace of the Almighty this might prove to be a fruitful aspect of my life. Though it is not what I had dreamt about doing when I was a kid, it is close enough. It's similarity, for a lack of a better word, is so close that the only difference as of now is the clothing that I am in at work.

I guess at some juncture in life, people get scared. It's a matter of how you deal with that fear. This is even more so when one stumbles onto perfection- you'd be especially scared that you might just one day lose that for good. That said, taking extra precautions just to hold on to is not always justifiable. Often, we do too much of it and end up hurting others. That perfection could be easily tarnished and possibly mutate into a horrible nightmare.

Slowly, I am grasping at the fact that I am no longer a student. Slowly, I am accepting the fate that I am now an adult. As we grow older, we tend to get more and more clueless as to what we are doing or how we are supposed to be doing things. That's when routine comes into play. But routine being routine tends to dull the best of people. Hence, the need to strike a balance comes into play. That's when everything gets frustrating- you're often going in blind when trying to find that balance. Too much and one becomes obsolete; too little and one ceases to become an anchor.

As of now, I am adhering to the old adage thought to me by some war veterans that I have had the pleasure of having chanced upon- slow is smooth; smooth is fast.

So maybe tomorrow you'll find your way home

Lately, I have been becoming more and more impossible. If there's one thing I could attribute it to it would be the changes that's happening to me and to all those around me. These past couple of months have seen very drastic changes- death in the family has only made it especially apparent. The loss is especially apparent whenever I look at my dad. He is taking it really hard. 

All around us, everything is changing. As for me, I'll be starting my new job tomorrow. Chubs can vouch for me when I say that I am actually excited. Yet, amidst these changes, I fear that things might not actually be turning out for the better. Perhaps that is me saying so because I am slowly being forced out from my comfort zone. Everyone eventually moves out from their comfort zone- how fast that happens for them differs. As for me, I am thankful that God has allowed this transition to be a slow and gradual one. 

The only easy day was yesterday. This is the motto that has been reinforced during BUDs training. First time I heard it was from my JC rugby teacher. It was reiterated during my days in the army. I have held on to that saying strongly as I move on to things, relishing every moment of it because I know that no matter how tough things can get, not matter how uncomfortable the situation might be, there is an ending. Whether it is in sight or out of it is a different story altogether. 

Nevertheless, changes has turned me into an angry person. I am the sort of person who asks "why?!". Specifically, I am the sort of person who asks "why the fuck?!". I am in strong need of a trigger to diminish that anger. That trigger came in time for me just now as I wandered aimlessly before breaking my fast and after breaking. You see, I am someone who needs some sort of a pattern to get on with life. Even in chaos there is pattern. That said, I do make do even if there are patterns. As long as there is some sort of a routine to get me by. Even if I go on to a certain situation that breaths uncertainty or even hectic chaos, I need to know if there is something for me to fall back on. The lack of this causes restlessness from within and this restlessness eventually affects everyone in a very very bad way. 

But that trigger came not a moment too soon as I stepped into the McDonalds near my house as they started playing Have a Nice Day by the Stereophonics. Almost immediately I feel an incredible amount of peace and calm that bubbled up from within. You see, songs have a great impact on me- I relate songs to certain moments of my life. Androgyny by Garbage brings me that certain amount of calmness whenever I am at range. I remember singing that song in my head despite the incredulous amount of gun fire going around me- that lead me to getting marksmen. There are certain other songs that have been designated as triggers for me that have a certain effect on me. As for now, I am a tad too lazy to list them all down. In fact, I can't really remember them all right now. Perhaps you could do an experiment on me and see which song suddenly brings about a smile on my face- a smile which spells, without any typos, calmness and serenity from within. 

I am like that- weird. We all live by triggers. It actually takes a huge amount of effort to trigger of my rage but when it is triggered off, its really a huge amount of rage that needs to be under controlled. So far, Chubs has been dealing with it extremely well but I fear that she is getting tired of dealing with it. So yes, I do have to keep it under check from time to time. Perhaps its because I care, too much sometimes, that such things happen to me. It's ironic however that you get angry because you care. 

Out of all these mumbo jumbo, perhaps there is one conclusion to it all- I am actually The Incredible Hulk. Right now, however, I just feel like more of The Incredible Bulk.

State of Repression

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

As with every traumatic experiences, my coping mechanism has always been the same- repress! But apparently, that has done more harm than good especially to those around me. Those who has attempted to is still attempting to get close to me has found it more and more uncomfortable it is the closer they get.

Truthfully, nobody is who they seem they are. What they do, what they say and what they say they do are totally different things. And with everything, there are always 2 reasons to do it- a good one and the real one.

With each death, I see my dad wither away gradually. Over the span of 2 decades, he has lost his dad 19 years ago, his nephew, about 10 years ago and his mom a couple of years after. Yesterday, he lost his younger sister. Knowing him, he is not someone who would reveal how he really feels. What is noticable though is the state of limbo he is in. I've noticed it before- the one where he tells people that he's alright and behave as though he is alright but deep inside, he, and we-his family, knows that he really isn't okay. One day, I'll be just like him- or perhaps I already am.

I remember growing up thinking I don't want to be like him at all. But slowly, and surely, I am growing up to be my father's son. I've grown to see that he cares dearly for the people around him. If it's one thing I've learn from him is the most important lesson- "Better me than them". This sacrificial trait of his has been ingrained deeply into me. I don't know if I have inherited it through nature or nurture. Then again, whether I have indeed inherited this trait of his is up for others to decide.

But yes, it is very obvious of him to have done so through the many overtimes he took on just so that we got more money. Through the setting up of a branch of a weekend religious school so that kids in the neighborhood can gain knowledge at a more convenient place. He knows everyone and everyone knows him. He even struck up a conversation with one of the caretakers at the cemetery yesterday- apparently they know each other. So yes, my mom has commented it before (in jest of course)- he knows way too many people. But I guess that's just how he is. That trait does not exist in my elder brother. I think it exists in me. It definitely exists in my younger brother although his circle is still expanding.

So yes, it has begun. Im at the stage of my life where my peers are getting married and my parents and their peers are withering away. That point of life where we replace our parents has begun. I hate this. It's ironic how we are always looking forward to something without realizing that death too is in the future. Why can't we just look forward to today, to right now- the present. There is no death in the present. There is only the living and those who has passed on. In the future, death awaits.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

Perhaps, I've been living the wrong life all this while. Or maybe there is something more to the last 4 years of my life than it being just a phase.

Take me on I'm in the mood for something dangerous

It's been really quite awhile since I've written anything here. It's not that there's nothing to write about- there's plenty! Perhaps its because each time I think of something to write, I am in no capacity to do so; not that I am drunk or anything. Even my grandma has commented on how "busy" I am- always rushing from one place to another and from one thing to another. I guess it's kind of hard to find me sitting still but when I do, I'd have to get off my ass and get on with something because somebody else wants to do something. So chilling and having nothing to do is really a luxury which I would like to spend with another soul. Unfortunately, that is too boring as many would have done that alread by the time I am free. 
 
A visit to Bandung has resulted in positive time to spend with my parents. Just the three of us (albeit in a tour group) and me having an entire room with a king-sized bed all to myself. I could literally sleep in any way I like and dress in any way I like. Most of the time, I wasn't even wearing anything. That felt sort of liberating really. That aside (seriously, stop thinking about how I look like inside my room!) I was presented with such clarity. That was all sorts of realizations came about- my age, my parents' age, my life and where it was heading, how my parents' life has been like. Time and again, I do think about such things. In fact, there are times I that "sneak out" in the middle of the night to my old neighborhood (it's a 10 minutes drive/ride away) to just sit there and think about things. At this point, some of you might find me a bit weird to do such things but yes, I do do such things to wind down without having to worry about encroaching on other people's life/time. 
 
This is very typical of me to stray off from what I was writing about. Back to the story. So...during an escalator ride in one of the factory outlets, I caught myself staring at my dad. In my mind, I thought about how old this man has gotten. I used to look up to him but havent ever since Sec 2- but that was because I outgrew him in terms of height. Lately, I feel as though I am more of an equal than his child. Instead of believing everything he tells me like I used to, I challenge him. And I am talking about the plethora of topics we both have. That does not usually happen at home because more often than not, my elder brother will just insert some idiotic comment which inevitably incur my wrath. 


Same thing happened with my mom. This was the woman who gave birth to me; who fed me (very little and thats how I became an underweight kid from an interesting huge and heavy baby). I used to do everything this woman tells me. In my mind, she knew everything. But overseas trip has shown that she does not know how to bargain. Each time she gets ripped off, her only excuse was that she pitied the person. My only response to her was that I'd rather she pity herself as she was getting ripped off. 


Things became clearer when my parents behaved really child-like during a cultural performance- in a good way that they immensely enjoyed themselves. First, my mom kept irritating this performer who happened to be a fat girl with a really loud voice. Eventually, my dad joined in the fun and kept shouting "mok!" every time she came on stage. And then, it was a mass angklung performance where my mom and my dad participated enthusiastically! To think that I thought they were this stern parents when I was growing up. 


We all grew up thinking that our parents are boring and they will never be as cool as us. Somewhere, I've read that the only reason they became boring was because they had to work to take care of us, to pay the bills, to keep that shelter above our heads and to make sure that we have enough to eat all the time. One should never think of how uncool or boring their parents are. Their sacrifices for us have been immense! In fact, each time I think of a way to repay them for what they have done for me and my brothers, I feel overwhelmed. Guess I shall take it in my own stride. 


I do hope that I am not too late in taking the opportunity to savor every moment that I get with them before God decides that he loves them more than I do and decide to them them away. We all went through that stage in life where we always hated our parents at some sort of an extent. That stage was known as our teenage years. I know of friends who have missed their chance to be able to savor what I do. 


At the age of 25, I still do not know what I'll do without my parents. It's really a mix of emotions that I get. As we get older, we make drastic attempts to turn back time- to be young again. I do not know why I was so eager to grow up only to find myself trying to be a kid again when I do. It's a contradiction. I wish somebody would have told me that there's no rush in growing old. 


So I have graduated. After about 15 years of education, I am finally not able to use the excuse of "school" as a way to escape the presence of my parents as well as my siblings. I guess that's how life is like- the older we are, the faster time goes by. 


But amidst it all, I am eternally grateful to have found someone would seems to have connected my past, present and future together into a singularity. Each moment spent with chubs is a great one. Well, I dont know why I said that because it's too damn cheesy. Perhaps because when you've finally found someone that is able to do that for you, the connection bit, well, I suppose you are set! The arguments and the quarreling especially from the petty stuff just blurs out into the background when you look at the bigger picture of things.


I can imagine how it must have felt for my parents more than 28 years ago before they got married. I am now, in their shoes.


While we are growing up, our parents are growing old.


I realize some of my thoughts are not well represented. Somehow, they all seemed better in my head.

It's been one week

Each time the inspiration to write something comes about, it withers off just before I reach any terminal to pen my thoughts down.

Hopefully I'll find my muse again soon.

We are the spark, that once would ignite a pilot light, burning deep in your heart

The few that remains by Set Your Goals has been ruling my playlist as of it. I'm not too sure what's gotten me to listen to this song over and over again but it doesn't ring some truth in my life- proving others wrong when they think that I can't.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of war documentaries. Wars and conflicts has always fascinated me in this profound way. Even after serving in the army, I can actually explain what it is that fascinates me. This alone is enough to label me as some sort of a war junkie which I can assure you I'm most certainly not.

Perhaps this fascination comes from the fact that a crisis or conflict can really band humanity together. It's weird isn't it that we can't do it peacefully but need something horrendous such as this before we try to achieve any form of humanity. Perhaps the show of humanity is only pervasive through inhumane acts.

But why the need of such cruelty? Each time I watch those documentaries, I can see how even after years the events that took place is still vividly seared in the minds of the veterans. Like a world war 2 pilot said, "let me take you on the flight to Berlin" as he goes on to describe his experience on that ill-fated flight which didn't end so well for his friends.

Why do we need impending doom of any sort before we decide to bring out the best in us? Why can't we continually live and love? This whole thought is ironic coming from someone who does forgive but not forget.

Perhaps we need a vehicle to progress the good in us. Without such impetus, we would just accept what is status quo.

Perfection...

...through silence

But there's still tomorrow forget the sorrow

With just a few days to go before I end this chapter of my life, I couldn't help but thing how different things would have been if I had signed that document. Many times, I have felt that I do not belong but I press on knowing it would certainly make my parents proud. My dad has been constantly asking when is the convocation ceremony. It seems likely that I am the only one in the entire family who would actually have a degree. Not out excuse but purely by merit. Sure there are many who will look down on what I have achieved but it is an achievement after all. I can only hope that my children will progress even further.

More often than not, I feel out of place. Gone is the face that used to scare many only to be replaced by a rounder one. I most certainly did not see this coming. My friends used to call me "garang" or "siao on". Towards the end, I even got promoted to just "siao". My subordinates would call me "the robot" for my lack of intimacy with them. But it certainly got things done.

I miss the smell of gun powder with a mixture of cigarette smoke smell at the end of each battle. The only "spoils of war" that anyone would only hunt for would be a shade to rest under as well as some water to quench their thirst. They were lucky that I do have the time to drink so much because they usually run out of water by then.

The constant sound of friendly machine gun fire was enough of a morale booster to push us on way beyond any human limits. Lately, I am more tired than anything. These past few weeks have been rough. Physically and mentally I am drained out. I am nothing but the shell of my former self. This is the person who used to be able to run 5km in under 20minutes. Once, I even clocked 15 minutes flat, a feat I have never been able to repeat especially after I am parachuted into the civilian world.

I have resigned to the fate that I will never be able to do any of that again especially after being rejected again and again. Those were the days where I would ace at everything I did. While many found themselves pushing hard just to make the bare minimum I was, for only that period, in my comfort zone.

Nothing could ever replace that. I tries to find another outlet ever since 2008. Rugby never quite proved to provide me with what I need. So I remain angry and restless. The only solace that I can find in this life is trying to be nice to others. But my kindness usually gets mistaken for my weakness. Time and again, I sometimes feel redundant of not a hazard in the life of others. Sometimes I wonder if the only changes I bring to others is for the worse. I do not belong here and prolly never will. I am sure there are others like me whose only intention is to bring comfort to the live of others because we have been through much worse.

I despise those who claimed to have served the nation even though they have never knew what its like to be donning green. Worst are those who ridicule us for what we did. We live in a society that does not appreciate its warriors. For those who have ridiculed many like me, you will never know the true meaning of valor and honor. The them, what they went through is a liability because they are a liability and hence they were denied from donning green. They have defiled the true meaning of serving one's nation.

We do not "play war in the jungles". The only reason why these boys in blue have a job is exactly because we "played war". They wouldn't have country to "keep safe" or to rescue others if it wasn't for us.

I am lost.

Shouting at the mirror, trying to find a hero

Lately, I've been getting that awful feeling that I've already grown. For me, I've never paid a visit to any of my relatives without my parents. But a trip down to my gramps in the premise of running errands for my mom changed that. Having my grandma telling me how hard it is to be old is especially heartbreaking with her tearing up as she's telling me about it. This is the grandma who never quite liked my dad when my mom chose to marry him nor did she quite like me and my brothers when we were young. Now, it seems like I'm in pole position for favorite grandson.

I'm not sure what it is about me or the effect that I have on many but it seems very easy for them to open up to me. So I stayed for awhile to listen having not sure what to say or how to react.

Maybe, just maybe that is my purpose on earth. I'm not sure what it really is because all the things that I have a liking for turns out to be a fruitless pursuit. Then again, God doesn't give us what we want but what we need. But I just can't seem to land on what I need. Perhaps it's not exactly what I need. So I stay patient and push on to hopefully finally realize what it is that I actually need.

I guess, I have been reliable to many. I'm basing this on the feeling I get from others based on my actions. My secondary school teacher has always told me to do good whenever I can while I still can. My mom has taught me that it's ok if you suffer as long as you are able to bring joy or comfort in the life of others. I guess this is why I don't seem to be able to quite find others who are reliable when I need them so. Friends wise, I know tons of people. But having a steady bunch whom I can even call best friends is still far from even manifesting even at its most simplest form. Maybe I am destined for the life of a lone wolf. Maybe not. But as this very juncture, I am still unsure.

It feels as though my presence is some has brought nothing but misery. No prizes to guessing as to why I don't really put in that extra effort to actually get close to anyone. When you get close, you'd get hurt. The closer you get, the higher the chances of you getting hurt. That hurt comes from how much I am affecting the lives of others. In a bad way at that. Being up on this rooftop by myself gives me some closure on things. This is where I can to talk to myself and also to god. I do not ask why im in such a predicament nor do I ask what I'm getting out of this. But I do hope for some inkling as to what I am supposed to learn from all this. As to why I dream of such dreams.

All my life, I have mostly dreamt of nothing but fighting. Lately, those dreams are becoming more frequent and more real. Yet, I do not know what it is I am fighting or who. All I know is that I am fighting for people- to protect them from the impending harm of which I have no clue what it exactly is. Lately, those dreams are getting more and more real- I even feel the pain. Sometimes, when whatever it is that I'm fighting does get to me, ill find myself with some scratches on myself. Thankfully, that has not happened for quite some time recently. However, I am not quite able to remember what it is I dream the moment I wake up except that I knew I was fighting.

Other times, I'd just dream of some random things. Maybe it's to do with what I've experienced over the course of my day. But every time I wake up, I wake up with this realization that I've learnt something new- be it in terms of me know how to do something or just that sudden availability of knowledge which I have not even attempted to acquire over the course of the day.

What I do need to learn right now is even more patience. It is undefinable that particulate tank is exceptionally vast. But I haven't the slightest clue why I'd burn it up do fast these days. Maybe I could perhaps attribute it to my frustrations as to which I am pretty sure will deplete slower once I am able to recognize it in order to deal with it accordingly. Right now, it's that frustration that maybe, others can really rely on me to be able to depend on me and that a reversal is not quite possible. Once I am able to accept that, I should be able to take things in a better stride and deplete my reservoir of patience slowly.

Patience is what I need to learn.

It's the way you do the things you do that makes me fall in love with you

Each morning's ride to work presents a 20 minutes worth of serenity to me. That is ironic because the ride to work is actually through annoyingly heavy traffic and that results in a lot of squeezing through traffic at high speed for me in which I have to remain constantly alert else I might become part of the statistics. Now try imagining me saying all of that in just one breath.

During this morning's ride, I found myself thinking about how much time has actually flew. Going back to my JC for a runabout game of rugby made me realize how old I've gotten. One of the signs that initialized this realization was that one of my men, one who served with me in the army, was actually running one of the food stalls there. I said initialized because that was the beginning of many realizations. A long chat with my teacher there made me realize how much older everyone is getting. In the blink of an eye, he has already passed 40 although he doesn't look like he has aged one bit. A lot of our teachers are going to retire by the end of the year and my very own form teacher has actually already passed on. On top of that, friends or ex-schoolmates are either getting married or are already married. Some girls from my secondary school already have kids! Although my inital reaction would be to question their haste in doing so, that only leads back to me in questioning about the time that has passed.

A conversation with chubs left me speechless to know that it was actually more than 10 years ago since I was actually a secondary one student. And I though secondary school went by quickly! Time and again, I have to remind myself that I am already 25 and if I do make something out of myself now, I will forever be late. Then again, I have always considered myself a late bloomer.

So on this fateful morning, I wondered about what I have done with my life. Just about all the things that I have ever done before, I have always considered my 2 years in the army worth mentioning. Sliding down the mountains of Taiwan, trekking through the dense forest of Brunei and even having the chance to see the Northern Lights are some of the experience that can never be replaced by anything else no matter how good things get. Then again, no one experience can exactly replace the other.

I did a lot of things than I can or have ever mentioned in those 2 years. Most importantly, I did a lot of growing up. It is a pity that I am not able to continue on that path ever again. I genuinely loved what I did no matter how tough things got. I am always the first to volunteer for anything and if I don't, I get volunteered. I don't know if its because they hated me or they really trust me but whatever it is that needs to be done, I'll get choosen anyway. I am not exactly complaining about it because whatever it is that needs to be done, I'll rather do it myself than to watch others helplessly fail at it.

I suppose there are other things about my life that's worth mentioning about as well. Let's start from primary 1. I was in the Boy Scouts at the age of 7. My dad insisted that my brother and I joined because it'll help to build our character. I was actually excited to join but that excitement died down a year later when I was asked to join the school's brass band. So from the age of 8 to 9 years old, I managed to master the hornet, the trumpet as well as the trombone. Then I had to start all over again because switching schools meant that I spent lesser time travelling. To think that I went through all that "interviews" to becoming a prefect. Yes, as hard as it might sound, I was actually going to be a prefect. I guess my grades are decent enough. That and I was well like by everyone so the school plotted against me because they wanted people to hate me hence they decided to make me a prefect.

That opportunity did not come to me in the new school. Having to start afresh, first day of school was rather awkward and confusing. So much so that I joined the basketball team. Last I heard, the school's basketball team is actually doing quite well. But I soon got bored of that and somehow, out of sheer madness, I was made to join the school's volleyball team! This was after I asked to join the soccer team or the badminton team. The only reason why I wanted to was because they got to get out of class early whenever they had competitions- I really envied my friends who got to do that. But somehow, fact gets stranger than fiction. At first, I was made to join choir. Well, I guess at 10 years old, nobody really cares what a young boy wants or doesnt. Then, I joined the Harmonica erm...gang? Im not sure what they are called. Troupe? Band? Then the ultimate happened! I was made to join the malay dance troupe. That is the epitome of What The Fuck?! Well, I was the only other guy there surrounded by all the girls whom I thought were actually nice looking (not anymore since most are either fat, married or have kids by now).

So eventually, at 12 years old, I decided not to join anything and just have fun. That plus "koping" a lot of medals from the annual school sports meet. That habbit of mine went on until JC. Well, I guess I'll leave that as that for now. Shall document some more of my life soon. But there's only one thing that I have always wondered....why the hell are the girls my age married already? Isn't it too young or too early?