Captaining a team at this level is really hard. So hard that I'm actually taking my time to sort things out even though there tons to be done. I miss those days when being the captain of the team simply meant that I was one of the better players in the team. Right now, I think I'm quite a distant away from even being a decent player. Honestly, I am still shell-shocked from te day they told me that I was going to be made captain of the team. I thought it was a joke or something but as it turns out, it was no joke at all. Well, even if I was hoping for a leadership post inside the team, the most would be vice-captain since I wasn't even one in the previous seasons.

some men desire greatness, but little do they realize that greatness often gets thrown to those who least expects it; much less even desire for it

That said, it's not a declaration of my resignation or anything remotely possible along those lines. But yeah, it was a lot easier in secondary school and JC when the teacher ran the show while I simply led the team on the field. In uni, I am to lead both and off the field. Right now, what I have to settle with the other unis is the date for this year's Singapore University Games tournament. They want to play on the Hari Raya weekend(WTF?!). I mean, try playing a tournament on the 2nd day of CNY or even a day after Christmas or on the New Year itself. If we can have tourneys on those days as well, that I'll gadly adhere to those dates set instead of making a big fuss about it. Till the, I'm going to be making one he'll of a noise.

Another thing that's giving me a headache is the player's commitment to the team. It seems that the older we get, the more childish we become. I mean, with the tourney date so near, why can't people just make their social plans around the days that we train. I didn't know twice a week of training is so hard to commit to. And the excuses(not reasons) that they come up with are simply intolerable. I mean if it's something that involves a problem in the family, that I guess that there isn't much of a choice. Bit still, if one was dedicated enough, they would have actually take the pains of planning if around training hours(which are really precious due the faggot YOG which makes the hours really limited). If they were me, they would have been ignorant of any other plans other than training. But they're not me and I'm not them. So, I'd have to (soon) suffer from high blood pressure thinking of sorting out these miscellaneous qualms that these babies come up wtih. I can't help but to think of myself kore as a baby sitter than a Rugby captain.

If there's one thing that I fear is that I fear i might be losing myself as player. The absence of a coach(has since been rectified) meant that I had to pull up the slack and take over. That also meant that I couldn't train. Well, I hope that all thaws blows over soon(quickly please) so that I'd be able to enjoy myself again with this game which I had picked up ever since I crossed the line of puberty.

Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!

Wise words from something which people deemed to be just another game. It's from the movie really- Friday Night Lights. So far, there has yet to be another sports movie that kept me glued to the screen unlike this one. Well, if it is enough to spur me to write about something, I'd say it is one damn good of a movie. If it was in the theaters, any movie that doesn't put me to sleep is one that is worth your money.

You just-you ain't gettin' it. You don't understand. This is the only thing you're ever gonna have. Forever, it carries you forever. It's an ugly fact of life. Donnie, hell. It's the only fact of life. You got one year, one stinkin' year to make yourself some memories, son. That's all. It's gone after that. And I'll be damned if you're not gonna miss it.

No game is just a game. It is in fact, a fact of life. Nobody but the people in the team, or in the sport, can understand that. Spectators just don't get it. Nobody else does. Those teachers who would wonder why I'd be so upset about losing "just a match". Well, not just teachers, my friends as well. My family don't even understand why I keep doing it. I know it hurts for my parents to see their son coming home all injured after every game. Well, I'm still injured from last season but I am trying my best to cover it up and show them that I can be perfect.

I still remember all the important matches that I've lost. 2005, PJC vs CJC for the Plate Championship. It was crunch time and I just did not bring it into the game. The pressure was just too overwhelming. I looked in the faces of my team mates and they all gave me the same look- they were looking to find hope in me. I looked to the crowds to see any familiar faces that might calm me down- I found none. So, I crumbled that day- the day which I can never forget.

People around me kept telling me, that it's alright. It was just a game; life goes on. Fact is, how do you look into the eyes that you have failed and telling them the same thing? For many, that was probably the last time they played any rugby. Sure as hell wasn't a good way to mark a chapter of your life by crapping out at the finals. I have yet to be at peace with myself with that game. I don't know why when the pressure builds up, I am just not there when everyone needs me the most. I am not there myself when I need myself the most. It didn't help that I lost whatever I've trained over the months to some random illness just 2 weeks before that day. It's like this fucking daze that I'll be in and no matter how much I try to shake myself out of it, it just doesn't go away.

That daze put me on the spot twice last season. During the Singapore University Games, at the finals, the last few moments of the finals, I crapped out again and found myself in a daze. I tried to shake myself out of it, to be there for my team mates, to be perfect- but the more I shook, the dizzier I got. I was fumbled. We lost that one. That same night, I got dumped.

The University Championship, I crapped out again. Dazed as ever when all season, all I ever wanted to achieve was perfection. Which I did! I've never felt so good about myself (only to be brought down every now and then by some emotional guilt trip that I'll be put under) as each game I blazed through and surpassed all expectations. But in that finals, I just couldn't find it in me to be perfect. So I dug deep. It was only when I was deep enough that I found myself again. Alas it was all too late as the final whistle blew to seal the fate of that game.

Somehow, I was looking to find a familiar face in the crowds to comfort me. I just don't know why I did it but I did. My team depended on me, and I crumbled as I depended on a familiar face which couldn't be found.

Nobody can truly understand this because you have yet to go through such a moment. Any games involving sticks belongs to the nursery room. At most, a pool table. Rugby; football(American football that is) are the only games that can ever ignite anyone's emotions, feelings and even intelligence(give a professor a boxing glove and I'll be able to beat hip good with my bare hands). Besides that, it's because I have went through it time and time and time again.

Those are the moments which one never forgets. Because I know that I won't be playing this game forever. And some point, I will be stopping. My knee and shoulders are already begging me to stop. But I cant go out like this. I have 2 more years to make some damn good memories of this game. I've got to remember how it felt like to be champions just like in 2001. I need to be addicted to that feeling. My days are numbered. I wonder if my team mates realize that.

We're in the business of winning.

It's been a longggggggggggggg longgggggggggggggg time since I wrote anything here(I just had to emphasize on that). The holidays are almost up and I feel that it somehow isn't being fully utilized in a sense that I have yet to go anywhere. Almost 4 months of holidays and the furthest I've been to would be JB. Then again, do I really need to be going anywhere? Late nights..slack hours..work whenever I want to(super flexible hours!)..do whatever I want...well the list goes on really. It's really just me lazing around and not caring about anything at all. Save for a couple of things.

I have recently realized something about myself. When the going gets tough, the tough disappears. Recently, I've taken over the school's rugby team. So now, I actually have 2 things that I have to manage...unpaid! Besides the qualms that the grown-up babies (aka my NSmen) are giving me, I'd have to settle the ones with the team as well. A lot of times, when I feel that it's getting too much, I'd just lay in stasis and not do anything about it. They'd keep pounding me for something but I'd just not bother about it and move on.

Truth be told, those are merely examples of my withdrawals. Like in an attack, when you fear that your forces are getting to disorganized, withdraw to reorganize before mounting another attack. That way, you won't be overwhelmed by the ferocity of your enemies and also the rapid dissolution of your own forces. Well, Sun Tzu taught me that. I guess, that's how I really am. Could that possibly explain my lackluster for the previous semester? I mean, the anger carried me through well during the first part of it. But after losing the finals, I felt that it was all to overwhelming and so I retreated to this safe spot where I just couldn't be bothered about anything.

The thing is, no matter how much you encourage me to do something, I simply won't be bothered. I set my own pace. People who have tried to pace me in my runs have found out about that. Many have been frustrated about me and my "tantrums" that they would just leave me behind. Some have even found out that they were overtaken by me eventually towards the end. So i guess, the more I am forced to something, the more I will force myself to the exact opposite. I guess, a little bit of encourage does work sometimes. But the best motivation has to come from within. If you'd know how to activate that, I'd say you'll be ruling a country anytime soon. Right now, I'm just ruling the pitch. Who knows?

Right now, I'm glad only those two things are on my mind. Working is a priority. I'd still want to get myself a new bike. It's really time to let go of this one. It's old and sickly. God knows who much i've spent on this bike time and time again...just because I choose to take it easy on the road(I don't know why some people claim that I've one devil on the road when they choose to go that slowly). Well, lets wait till school starts. I guess, that's where the madness really begins. If I am able to graduate, I think, I might be qualified to work in a circus as a professional juggler. That, or something else other than teaching. Teaching would be the super last resort(and that would be after 6 months of being jobless).

I guess there's nothing much that I would like to write at the moment. Believe me, I have tons to write about here! Just that I am not in the right mood to write anything yet. Perhaps, soon that mood will come to me and I'd be blabbering my way thru for my own writing pleasure, and your reading pleasure(can you make that sentence sound dirty? I can!)

The any reason to doing anything is because I can, that's why

Hmm.. a lot has been happening since I last wrote anything. Again, I haven't found the muse to write anything here. Each time I thought of something to write, I would forget about it completely by the time I get to a computer.

So I guess I'm going to keep it short and sweet by writing out what happened so far...here we go.
1) I've been made captain of the school team so God help me now.
2) I'm still waiting for my TP. It's about a month away and I've already completed all my practicals.
3) I've found someone who would rubbish with me (:
4) I'm earning from 3 different sources now
5) I've already got a bike in mind
6) I've got nothing in my mind now

So there you go. Short and sweet. Just like me. Minus the short part that is.

As a kid, I never knew of this thing called death until my grandfather passed away when I was only 5. I didn't know how to deal with that as a kid so I did what any other kid would do when they meet other kids- play. More than a decade later, my cousin passed away followed by my grandmother a year later. I still didn't know how to react to that. To me, I just felt empty- emotionless.

Perhaps that is the way I grieve. Rather, perhaps that is how things are since I do not have a lot of fond memories with them. I was too young to know my grandfather that well. By the time I was conscious of my being, my grandmother had already suffered a couple of strokes enough to impair her cognitive and communication skills. The only memory I have of my cousin was the numerous times we would visit him in the hospital(I wrote something about family gatherings and hospitals last year) due to the strange illness that he was suffering from. Thankfully, God saw how HE could no longer make him suffer and decided to end it all for him. I guess, the same went for my grandparents as well.

The only memories that I have about my grandparents all came from what my parents told me- how much they would dote on me and my elder brother despite being the trouble that we were. We're still troublesome but on different levels: nobody really bothers about the trouble that my brother makes because it only affects the environment on a personal level. Mine, on the other hand, well, let's just say that it is capable of so much more(on a good note that is).

It's been 3 years since I left that camp. People always say that that camp is haunted; that it is cursed. I can't help but to believe it now. 5 deaths so far. All of whom which I've come know on a rather personal level with the exception of one. All these deaths occurred after we ended our journey of 2 years. Well, I only joined them halfway through but it seems like an entire lifetime has taken place in such a short period of time.

Seems to me that the recent news is really affecting me. I can't help but to feel sad...really sad. The weather seems to be reflecting my emotions perfectly- all gloomy and down. He was really a great soldier. To him, come what may. It was only a month ago since I last saw all my men. To sum the whole thing up, I've never felt more whole in my entire life before. Green completes me. That's all there is to me. People may have their opinions about how shitty life can be in the green. Or how the "Organization" (or whatever it is that they've decided to term it) is very shitty. Well, show me one Organization or Service or whateveritisthatyoucallit that isn't shitty. Right now, I strongly believe, that there is none that is without its flaws. Sometimes, you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

To revert from digressing, my men are all amazing people. They are the best soldiers that I've come to know. So what if they're not Spec Ops or anything of that sort. It's really their attitudes that made me believe that there are good in people. So much so for labeling them as "trash of society".

It's really no point wishing that something like that had happened because it already did. Right now, he's already being cremated. Funny how a person ends up being just ashes at the end of his life. However it shall be his memory that we carry on with us that makes him who he was and who he really is. He will be missed. As I quote a friend, "Fight with you again some day. Wait for us." That we shall see. The company shall make it happen. We're really good at it- making the unimaginable happen.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.

I seriously want to write about something. But nothing seems to come to my mind right now. I'm not disgruntled. I'm not angsty or anything. Guess, that's what happiness does to me. I've got no muse for me to write anymore. Inspiration seems to only hit me in the moment of anger, in my moment of anguish, in my moment of bla bla bla.

I guess I should be heading out more and observing a lot more than I should else whatever I'm writing, might seem very gay even for my own tastes.

Funny isn't it? Angst breeds inspiration. Well, that's how it is for me anyway. Usually, it breeds contempt for many. It's like saying that if a driver was to run a red light, he might just win $200 and getting an extra 12 points instead of being fined $200 and having 12 points being taken away from him(or her if you wish to).

There is no denying that I am one weird person. No, I shall not use the word unique to describe myself because that is just too politically correct. It's like calling someone short vertically challenged. There is nothing challenging the short dude. He is just short. Calling him vertically challenged is stupid because it's like saying that gravity is preventing him from growing any taller. Well, I guess in that case, gravity is his challenger then. Yeah, it's stupid altogether still.

I guess this green eyed monster is really a human condition. One can never be truly happy for others if they are not part of the celebration. I guess this happiness breeds contempt. Perhaps this is the one resource that is truly low in supply. And hence, we have to do tradeoffs. After all, it is the one thing that when one has it, the other doesnt. Low in supply but high in demand means that there is a heavy price to pay for happiness. It doesnt come cheap. And im not just talking about financially. The soul takes a heavy beating from the acquiring of this. Especially the soul. And this burden translates into other things like money. Do the math. It all works out to what I just said.

Alas, that is the cause of all misery on earth. Funny this business. Ironically, it is called happiness.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others

The last few days have been rather hectic. I'm always dashing from one place to another. Wonder if that makes me make dashing as a person. Hehs. Anyway, it's always the vase that when I have something good to write about but just am not in the mood for it. Either that or that muse has taken a vacation too. Truthfully I'd usually write when I have qualms about something. If I were to e seething with rage, I'd usually end up being something that is written about instead of the writer.

Right now, i guess I'm somewhere in between those 2 extremes as I'm trying to teach this one particular kid the "wonders" of fraction. It's now been 3 months and he is still not getting it. I've tried various methods(all of which has since work for all my other students) but this one doesn't even seem to be able to comprehend instructions. It's like talking to a wall except that even walls produces echoes. At the end of every session wight this kid, I'd usually head out for a puff or two(usually a lot more than that) just to calm myself down else I'd be the hottest topic in the local news.

I know I know, some of you(you know who you are) is just going to say that I'm no teacher or that im a really poor one. Guess what? You're prolly right. I am no teacher. With the standard of people being recruited dropping way below par (way way below) who wants to become a teacher? I'm merely an educator albeit a private one who makes just as much money as a full timer doing 1/4 of his job. I guess, maybe I could turn this into full time thing for myself. I mean the hours are great and I could choose whoever I want to teach and at what time. If I'm gettig an average of 30 bucks for every kid per week, I could be making 300 if I get 10 of those per week. If I get 20 it'd be $600. If I get 40 it'd be $1200 per week. And that's how many students each teacher has to deal with but they're earning just as much whilst having to take on other shitty duties as well. I wonder if the ministry is getting a hint as to why the turnover rate is so damn high. (i'll give you a hint. Hire quality and pay more. That's how you retain them (;

Enough of that nincompoop. Ever since getting a lisence, all I ever want to do is drive. Poor supermassiveblackhole has been largely forsaken due to this sudden that have. So it's been random pickings for me on the things that I haven driven so far. I know this sounds a lot like unnecessary gloating largely because it is. Hahah! Okay..so far Its been a Kelisa, a Wish, a Rush, a van and even a lorry. It's really a random bunch of vehicles. I'm still craving of tearing it up on the tracks in a Lancer, a diablo and a couple of the series that Ferrari has came out with. And oh yes, I'd really like to tear it up I. The streets in a Mustang. That car is pure power.

But I'd still would want to drive/ride around the world. I would especially want to take part in the Dakar. That is one awesome race.

I've ran out things to write. Just a bit more and I'll be done with this kid.

Only when you've been left waiting for hours just to see the doctor do you discover the try meaning of being a patient

The past couple of weeks has been quite a rollercoaster for me. Although, there has been quite a lot more highs than lows so I can't be compared to the milk brand since it emphasizes on a balance of highs and lows.

Reservist has been rather something. What I wanted to talk about that entire week's went has somehow sedimentend into the far corner of my brain right now. Also, the OSA says that I can't be talking much about it publicly. I guess the only good thing about that was that I got to meet with old buddies whom I would have prolly never met if not for the intertwining of fates that the system forces onto us all. Also, the promotion came along jus in time just so that everyone would be able to differentiate me from the rest thus making my job somewhat easier. The best part of it would be conversations I would have on the phone before retiring for the day(only having to wake up a few hours later for a brand new day long after everyone else has slept). I guess it's those conversations that would keep me going for the rest of the day no matter how bad things seem to get. I am missing those phone conversations so badly right now. Just a couple more days till we'd get to hold those conversations again and I just can't wait!! Shall be patient or else I'll be a patient.

It seems that the moment I get down to actal writing, whatever that I've scribbled in my mind seems to dissapate into thin air. And no, I do not want to be scribbling them onto a notepad because I do not find the pleasure of writing on a piece of paper. I would rather belt everything out on a keypad. Guess, whatever poetry I had in on in my mind thins out with each second of delay.

Just left with the obstacle of the weekend till that special someone gets back from her trip and then we'd be able to set out on a path of creating our very own supermassiveblackhole. :D

It's really sickening this human nature. Is it really true that God created us hating each other equally to the point that it wrenches their heart when they see someone else happy?

bittersweet; sweeterbit

It's been months since the unthinkable happened and it's sad to say that it still affects me one way or another. Results from last semester says alot about how affected I actually am though my actions speaks otherwise. Honestly, Im getting tired from this act that I'm putting on. I have accepted that it has already happened. I have fought with every single means that I can come up with but things remained the way it has. The unthinkable remains a reality. Not a day goes by without me waking up wishing it was just a bad dream. But as reality starts to sink in as I gradually gain conscious from my slumber, all I ever want to do is to turn over and fall sink into more slumber.

It is right for you to say that I sound loserish in every single way. Friends have seen how I would keep myself occupied just to get along. I've been biting my tongue to the point of near severance. I do appreciate the advice that was given. But in every single way, I can only appreciate the advice since my situation can only be empthatized at most. In no manner is my situation similar to others as are the situation of others are similar to mine. Because if it did, we would all be calling it taxation. Pity that we don't.

The fact that I have talked almost every single person away. Bridges that have been attempted to be built are quite rickety from what I have to share. So I have stopped sharing altogether. Even when I do share, it is done with caution for fear that the new bridge might end up riddled with instability thus consequentially causing it to collaspe. There is only one thing left in the world that I care about and that is me caring the fact that I do not care at all.

I've been riding harder and harder each and everytime with musings from Muse blasting from my iPod as each turn, each corner becomes more fluid from the previous ones. You can't really call it recklessness since each one has been calculated and taken with full of reck. It is not with complete disregard as I do take into account of other commuters on the road; just not this one.

Each day is taken with a fuck-if-I-care attitude. As long as others are happy, then I can be happy for others. I guess the pursuit of happiness has ceased to exist as I have yet to find any meanings in all of this. Maybe someday I will, maybe I won't. I would gladly taken the chance to empty out this void if I could actually afford to. So, my bucket list remains unchecked. Thoughts of me taking a sabatical are met with fierce resistance- and that is just from my friends. I can sense that my parents share the same sentiments so no point sharing that with anyone anymore.

They say that time heals all wounds. I wish I could find out who "they" are and tell them off. If there is only one thing that time does to anyone is that it actually hardens them up. Nothing more nothing less.

Right now, there is nothing more that I want to do other than to don the beret. That was the one thing that has given me any purpose. The day that I was enlisted was simple the best day of my life. Nevermind the fact that there were simply so many setbacks that I had to overcome such as the 3 worst days of my life which I had to endure. Back then, no matter how FUBAR things might get, I'd always know that there was an end point. Alas, that was merely a tryst that I had before I was thrown back to the gaping jaws of reality. Those 2 years now seems like it all happened a lifetime ago.

I guess the only way to really get the old me back was to bring me back to that life once again. The samurai maxim of "fall down 7 times stand up 8" is having a hard time to be proven true. Maybe I will someday because right now, the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing more than an oncoming train.

Melanchony does funny things to me. I guess I'd just have to wait it out over the weekend to see if I am just as awesome as I was before in my "past-life".

The journey of a thousand miles begin with a single
step; and a lot of bitchin'

A recent conversation with a friend of mine brought up the question, "What is normal?". We take our norms so taken for granted that we tend to classify everything else as a deviance or not normal. We forget that what is normal actually exists out of something from somewhere. It is a classification that we ourselves made exist.

Firstly, heterosexuality. If it is so normal, then, how come we need so many laws just to enforce it? It's just like saying that you would be jailed/fined just for believing that things could fall upwards into the sky( I'm talking about the laws of gravity here by the way). Gravity is so natural, yet it has no laws to enforce it. Yet, we tend to claim that heterosexuality is natural even though there are probably so many laws just to enforce it's "naturalness". The recent debate in parliament about the repeal of Charter 377(A) should make for a good case in point here. So is heterosexuality/homosexuality normal?

How about intersex or hermaphrodites then? They are often seen as an anomaly. Yet, about 1 out of 2000 babies are born with both genitalia. Just take an entire primary school and there's tend to be an intersexed kid in that population. So how? Are you going to be treating that kid as some sort of a monster? Many would heave a sense of relieve by saying, "thank god of medical advances!" But really, have you ever tried talking to one of those kids? Have you ever seen the kind of pain they would have to go through just to fit in? Just to be "normal"?

Then we came upon the topic about the handicapped. Why are they called handicapped in the first place? Is it just because we think that they can't compete with us on a "normal" basis? Fuck! If so, then there would be so many "handicapped" people out there since they are not able to compete with me in my own field. Hell, I'd be termed as a handicapped too since I can't compete with a lot of people in their own field. Why can we just treat them as per normal? I can hear so many people saying that, "oh no! But we are not able to understand them!!". So, is it their fault that you are not able to understand them? Not exactly. It is your fault for not being able to comprehend them. Just like what you teachers always tell you whenever you fail badly for the comprehension section of your English paper, " You failed because you failed to comprehend the passage/questions."

1/1000 kids are born with down syndrome. 1/1000 kids are born with autism. There are more than 40 Million blind people in the world any day. It's higher for the deaf. And i'm referring to 1/1000 born with any kind of those traits on a daily basis. YEAP! Daily basis! So how can we treat them as not "normal" when it is perfectly clear that they are? I mean, if you want to take the argument of "majority" into play here, then, doesn't that quite make the cut too?

What's more saddening is that the only thing most of us wants to offer is pity because we feel that God has been unfair by making them that way. Remember all those "advertisements" for donations and all and the use of these people just to garner more support through guilting us all into it? That's just plain terrible! If were to offer anything, it should be unconditional love. I mean, no child can ever grow up into a wholesome person with nurturing. Pitying doesn't equate to nurture because one can only pity for so much; for only so long. Loving however doesn't seem to go out of style.

I guess, this is the main cause of conflicts round the world: the battle for normality. I said its a stupid and useless fight. Rather than forcing the change, why can't we just accept the change and make the best of it all? Wouldn't that make everything and everyone better off?

I realize that there are a lot of shortcomings in what I've written. Plus, I am prepared to receive any sort of criticisms here. But that's only because I've once again lost my train of thoughts so am not able to fully express my thoughts here. Well, whatever it is, I mean well (and also, I am not Gay to begin with just to be sure).

So, lets begin to ask ourselves this question: What is normal?

You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren't allowed to be normal

After close to 3 months of not playing rugby, I've finally decided to show up for the training tonight. It was no Padang. The view was all too crappy; we were in Little India after all. Who ever thought of building a clubhouse which doesn't even have a decent parking spot? Traffic was horrendously ridiculous as well. But the chance upon a familiar face before that makes the smashing through peak hour traffic all too insignificant. Plus, it was high time that I showed the young boys a thing or two about rugby. Despite smoking as much as a pack a day, i was still able to zip pass everyone at 100 miles per hour! Who would have thought? Haha

The thing about rugby is that it is the only thing that has been going on for me for over 10 years. When i first picked up the sport in Sec 1, I didn't actually imagine myself playing till this very day. Most of those who started out with me has since stopped playing for one reason or another. Even after dislocating both shoulders, hairline fractures in a lot of places, a mild concussion, ankles which cannot sprain anymore since they've been sprained and twisted so many times before plus having my foot smashed in by own teammate in the last season, I guess I'm still going strong with it.

Well, it's not like I'm some superstar of tha game or something. Well, I'd actually tell
my coaches that I'm THE supersub should I get bench. Twice when I was benched, I scored tries and actually turn the tide of the game. Yea, I
know I'm just plainly gloating righ now. Well, rubbing your own ego every now and then doesn't harm anyone does it?

My friends have always asked me this question, "why do you still keep playing?". Moat of the time, I would just tell them that it is the first love of my life. Until somebody comes along, that shall continue to be at the top of the list. Yes, I do realize that it COULD be detrimental to me, right now, it's one of those things that keeps me going. With the things that has been happening over the past few months, rugby sure did help alot. Having a limit anger meant that I had all the strength I needed. Never had I tackled like how I did in the last season. Well, let's just say I kinda plan to keep things that way for now.

Well, those happenings seemed to have affected my grades as well. Now, I have to work doubly hard just so that I can hopefully graduate as one of those few in class. I can only pray (:

I think this has got to be the best weekend I have ever had in such a long time. Guess now I'm hell bent on getting my own car seeing how convenient things can really get with one. Time to sort my finances out before that can happen I guess.

Well, picking up something new is something (for the lack of a better thing to say). Never thought I would ever do ice-skating in my entire life. Yes yes hence the question, "what have you been doing for the past 23 years of your life?". Honestly, I have no idea. Guess my life had been pretty mundane so far. But this reinvention of myself seems to be working for me- testing out my limits and set out for new possibilities.

But such ambitions do have it's consequnces. Being a worry-what doesn't help that much either. I really can't help it but to think of the consequences of my actions through. It's like an innate thing that dwells within me. Could be a good thing because that would mean me punching every single nincompoop who annoys me(eg walking so slowly infron of me, talking so slowly on the phone and the works).

But at the same time, that could be a bane as well as it prevents me for putting everything I have in it and not caring about if I crash out. Last night would be fine example. And yes, I do envy those kids who are not afraid of falling down or wiping out. Prolly one of the reasons why being childish could be good as well(in a positive connotation that is).

Also, the conversations that happened lately were about one central theme: how do you figure out if the person is the one? How does one determine if that is the person whom you want to be spending the rest of your life with? For me, like everything else, I'd go with my gut feeling. Right now, a song from The Kooks would really come in with strong relevance. Haha!

Anyway, this gut feeling comes to of a great importance for me. After all, if one doesn't feel right with doing something, it might not turn into a right most of the time. On the hindsight, it could a delayed reaction towards getting the "right" feeling.

But how does one differentiate between "the one" and "the next one?". I guess most of us do not have a list penned out or thought off yet. For me, I still think that it has been predetermined. That said, without effort, we can never get to that predetermined destination but rather remain stagnant. As the saying goes, one fill something one needs when one isn't even looking for one at all.

Right now, i've lost my train of thought as the effects of the awesome weekend is dawning on me. I stupidly left my charger in the school, my left knee is hurting and I'm feeling rather sian that that's over. Shall set up for more things to look forward to I guess?

Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along

After so many years since I stepped into a club, I finally convinced my friends to go bring me to one. Stepping in into one reminded me why it has been years since I've ever stepped into one: It's just not for me. `I guess I'm kinda uptight and all. A couple of hours in and I decided to go with the flow. Felt a whole lot better after all that.

It was interesting really to notice the crowd. From the haircut, I could tell that the boys are all probably still serving National Service with the highest rank being a cadet. The girls on the other hand are quite something. It was quite dark with light strobes running all over the place so I couldn't really tell about the girls except when we were suddenly surrounded by them.

I can tell I won't be going there anytime soon unless 1) I am dragged into going or 2) There's an event which I have to attend. Loud music is for me to listen when I'm on the road. Last I ever had strobe lights were meant to confuse me so that my shots would be off target. And hmm..I'm just plain uptight.

I need to loosen up a little. 2 more years till I graduate and the grades are still stagnating where they exactly were when in my first semester. And I thought they were supposed to be gradually increasing.

I guess it's a spillover of whatever happened the previous semester. Time heals all wounds is simply rubbish. If anything, it can only make you forget. Other than that, the wound is still there, just no visible enough for us to take much notice of it. But we all manage. But is that really the best that we can do?

For me, I choose to reinvent myself. After all, if I let others plan my life, there's really going to be nothing much going on since they have got nothing much planned for me. I suppose that's why I wanted to go clubbing last night. See if that would suit the "new" me. After all, after 10 years of playing rugby and mix and mash of several martial arts, it is time for me to slacken a little bit and enjoy life's parties.

However, clubbing isn't really for me after all. I guess, I'm going to stick with the chillaxing kind of fun? I still want to drive/bike around the world. Though with restricted finances, it'll probably around Asia at most for now. But in a couple of months time, I'm thinking of taking the train up north and see where the train ride takes me. And no, I am not talking about going to Hogwarts or taking the MRT. That sure does ought to be something.

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

Whoever said that smoking is bad for a person simply has no sense of being. Of all things that can bind people together, two tops the list: over a cigarette or over a drink. That said, I do not mean things literally because doing so might just win you the Jackass of the Year award even though we are only a quarter of the way through the year.

I mean sure it can be detrimental to your health. Then again, what isn't? Even something as "healthy" as going for a walk can be detrimental if you overdo it. I am not suggesting moderation here nor am I not not suggesting it. I am not suggesting anything. All I am saying that too much of something kills, too little of it kills too. Find the perfect balance (of High and Low).

That said, I made a couple of new friends over smokes (while waiting for my friends to arrive to watch Ro Bin Hood). A stranger asking for a light ended up in a light conversation of how the system is screwing PRs like him. A few minutes later, another uncle came and ask for a light. And the conversation picked up from there. In the world of smoking(or drinking for that matter), there are no such thing as strangers.

What is a stranger? A person that you don't know? A person that doesn't know you? Truth be told, nobody knows every single person that lives on this island country of ours. WE just assume that there are over 5million people living here. We are so certain of this that we do not stop to ask ourselves, "Are there really 5 million people?". We just assume that they exist though we have NEVER (and it'll probably stay that way) that there are indeed 5 million people.

If so, what if we met someone for the first time but can be engaging in a conversation as if we've known them for years on end. It was as if that the meeting was just like the previous ones even though there are no previous ones. How does one explain that? I am curious about that myself.

On a different note, I've been having rather strange dreams lately. It's recurrence is so high that it is not strange to me anymore. Every night its the same thing over and over again. I'll be either fighting something or someone. But last night's was particularly weird. Everything was so vivid. The pain of getting shot felt real. The weight of the pistol I carried felt real. So was the recoil of each shot. And the pain of losing the people that I truly care about felt real too.

It was like this: during the conflict, I lost track of my family members. So I accessed the database to search for them. Each search yielded the exact response: KIA. WTF! Everything felt very real. I saw the faces of the people in my dream. Even the most veteran soldier that I know of in the SAF was in it. The exasperated look on his face says it all: All hope is lost.

I don't know why Im writing all of this but yeah I am. hahahaha! Okay, apparently, I have lost track of what I really wanted to say so yeah.

If all is not lost, then where is it?

I don’t know what to say, really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we're finished.

We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. Now I can't do it for ya, I'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. I, uh, I've pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know, when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. I mean, that's... that's... that's a part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, so is football.

Because in either game - life or football - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second.

On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. And I know, if I'm gonna have any life anymore it's because I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch, because that's what living is, the six inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it. You've got to look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think ya going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. Your gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team, because he knows when it comes down to it your gonna do the same for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either, we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That's football guys, that's all it is. Now, what are you gonna do?

-From Any Given Sunday

And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question."
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

Boredom got the better of me as I googled my night away after a rather awesome day with my secondary school mates. Things just never gets old with them. Anyway, I was searching for meaning of things and I decided to google the meaning of my name as well. I don't know how accurate it could be but on certain points, I kind of agree with what it says. Let's see.

Your first name, Fadzil, makes you independent, resourceful, practical, and patient.
This could have some truth to it. But I guess only others could tell if I really am like that? Independent? My parents seems to think so since they trusted me with the most dangerous thing that any parent wants their child to do: Own a bike. Resourceful? Perhaps. People have found out that they don't really need to know how I do it, just that they have to request for it and there is a high possibility that they might just get it (:. Practical? Sometimes I can not be practical about things. But most of the time, I'd do things if they are within my means. If not, screw it! Patient? Hmm...it really does take A LOT to piss me off (even just a little).

You could be inventive along scientific or technical lines
I really should have taken that offer by NP 7 years ago. Who knows, I might be in MIT right now or something hehs. Well, I do tend to improvise on things rather quickly. Can be quite handy around the house but only when I'm in the mood for it.

Although you are not naturally spontaneous in musical or artistic expression, you can develop technical proficiency along these lines
I think I CAN pick up on things rather quickly. Just a little bit of time and a little bit of patience and I can learn new things quickly. Hmm..maybe I should consider acting? HA!

You are fussy about details and seek perfection in whatever you undertake
Information is what runs everything. But I'm not sure if I really am a perfectionist. I mean, I'll take pains and measures not to let something screw-up whatever I have planned. But a perfectionist? Though I have received comments that I am quite a perfectionist, I have doubts on that myself.

Being somewhat wilful and skeptical, you learn best through your own experiences and seek proof though facts
In other words, I can be very stubborn on somethings. I don't take what people advise me on rather easily. If it's trouble that I am heading towards to, I'd rather head towards that trouble just so that I can really feel the full effects of the consequences.
In other words, I can be quite distrustful of people as well. When there's something that needs to be done, I'd rather do it myself. I guess that's really a bane for me.

You work best alone, making your own decisions, and learning from your own experiences
In the Army, I have demonstrated quite a number of times that I work best alone. A one man army, The Unit Man, etc. In JC, I took the running of the team into my own hands- relegating everyone else from running it. I felt that the outcome was still rather good. Isn't this kind of the same as the previous point?

Despite your loyalty to friends, your communication at times is stilted, too candid, and frank
Does this mean that people do not take me seriously at times? Maybe because they're my friends that I am like that because when I am serious, nobody will like me. Seriously. Even I don't like myself when I am serious. I am dead serious about this! Hahah

The name Fadzil creates the urge to be creative and original, but we point out that it limits your versatility and scope, tuning you to technical details
Am I really that niau? Like I said, I don't want anything to screw up. Not if I can help it.

This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses centring in the head, and in the stomach and intestinal organs
A psychology professor told me the same thing before! Exactly the same thing! He says that when I'm out to achieve something, I tend to neglect everything else; everything else being my own health and stuff like that.

Well, I don't know how true this all could be. Then again, it takes someone to know me well enough to actually be able to say anything about this. Well, if you ever want to try it out, do visit www.kabalarians.com (: Maybe that will give you an insight to your own name. DO share it with me once you've find out.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where the should be. Now put the foundations under them

Everything happens for a reason doesn't seem to stick well with many. I used to believe it with such furor that I was fatalistically fatalistic. But over time, as naivety wore off, I grew a lot wiser (though still no wisdom teeth). I guess, whatever is happening over the past few months have made me someone different. Like I've said before, I am reinventing myself. Some might not like it because to some, it might be because they can never have what I want to have- a really good life.
It's really not fair for someone to instigate the whole thing and then having to blame someone else for it just so that they don't feel so bad to begin with.

And once again, I've digressed. Anyway, everything is to be taken with a pinch of salt because if you grab a handful, you're just going to die of high-blood pressure. In other words, it's going to kill you from the inside. I remember in JC when friends ask me, "Why are you so uppity most of the time when we are all stressed (from studying for the A levels)?" My answer was classic. I told them that everything happens for a reason. Whatever happens was probably meant to happen anyway. IF I was meant to pass my A levels and head on to JC I definitely would. If I wasn't supposed to head off into that direction, no amount of effort can change that. Not even if I cracked my head a thousand times over. Not even if I had to stay in JC for four years. Not even if re-took my A levels many times over. In that way, I believed that life has been pretty much scripted. We are merely passengers going along for the ride.
It also provided for a good excuse to be continue playing rugby all the way till the last match which was on the weekend before the first paper *sniggers*

That said, fatalism used to run deep within me. Army changed all that for me. It was only at that point of time when I was in SISPEC that I learned that I had to use effort to grow. Fatalism didn't run well with the instructors. Though feedback came hard and dry, I could see that my effort affected the lives of others. It somehow made life bearable then. For those who have no idea what SISPEC means: Suffer In Silence Plus Extra Confinement. Yeap! But effort on my part and everybody else's really made life bearable and even enjoyable then. When I went into my unit, I transferred that into my men as well. I don't know if I am the only Sergeant who punished his men for taking their own sweet time to book out. But I really pressed them into putting in effort as well and then help them translate that effort into rewards.

Oh, by the way, that only started in SISPEC because in BMT, I would work my butt off everyday but I still(like many other hopeful young boys), were not selected for OCS.
I could still remember the disappointment that my platoon mates expressed when I told them that I wasn't going to be joining them at OCS

So university started and I thought, lets try it here as well. Despite the naysayers who's been continually telling me that it was really no point that I try so hard because at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. I guess, naysayers are all part of life. Then again, I do get a sense of satisfaction from wanting to prove others wrong. So far, that has worked out pretty well for me.

Then again, everyone is treading between the two extremes: not trying at all and trying too hard. Just doing enough is hard. This has nothing to do with doing everything within moderation but putting in the right amount of effort to effect change. Too little or too much, and you might just end up with how Bangkok is right now- in a state of emergency.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Everyday, we are just rolling with the punches and deal with changes the best we know of. That said, it is not all that bad. Because if whatever is meant to happen, happens then I can assure you that it happens for a good reason. Sometimes, our mind and heart is too convoluted to see that reason at the moment. But, not everything comes at once. It's been weaved into our lives one at a time. Like what George Bernard Shaw once said, "Time is this thing that prevents everything from happening at the same time." I don't think anyone is able to handle that. Imagine having stomach ache and feeling hungry at the same time. I wonder how that feels like.

to be believed, make the truth unbelievable

(: